vs What I Feel

When last we left our uh, hero? guy? me? Something. Not totally sure. I’m not feeling terribly heroic these days.

The OLD Paradigm:

The man is the head of the household, the provider, and the chief decision maker. Dad is six and a half feet tall and bulletproof. He’s a manly man doing super manly things.

The NEW Paradigm:

My wife makes more than I do. She has better insurance. I let, practically insist on letting her pay the bills. Mom is all that and a bag of chips. Dad is a source of a paycheck and some household labor. Happy Wife, happy life (such as it is.)

Okay, so I have a few other things going on in the background and just in general I’m questioning a LOT of things in life. Quite honestly, I’m okay not having my current job. If it goes, it goes.

That’s not to say I want to be a “deadbeat dad.” I’m not lazy. I like working. But here’s the deal: I want to work on my terms. And if not for myself, then for someone I truly resonate with. (If such a person exists.)

And moreover, I want to do something I’m really passionate about. As long as my family is taken care-of. Hell if I know what that looks like right now.

Part of this post was actually going to be a frantic text message to someone very wise who I admire a great deal. Which I may very well do after this. We’ll see how it goes. I have some idea how that conversation might go. Again, just my gut.

I know a lot of who and what I’m not. Sure, I want to stay positive and high vibe for LoA sake. I intend to keep things going up.

But, honestly family, I’ll tell you what I’m feeling now that I will eventually reconcile. I feel let down, like I’m a failure. I feel like that deadbeat dad I dread becoming although that’s a more of a societal term. I feel old. I feel worn out. Folks, I’m tired and I’m just ready to go home. But I know I literally have more work to do here. What, where and how? No idea.

I’m going to let it go right here for now. I have a lot to say on the subject. But spiritually, I think it’s best to step outside of myself and observe (not bypass.)