May is going by rapidly.

This month is passing far more rapidly than I anticipated. I still have a lot of game reviews to write and a book review hopefully sometime in June after I read the book. I’m also working on several projects behind the scenes on top of kids’ concerts, baseball games, school wrapping up for the year, etc. I’m having to take small bites out of certain projects due to anxiety.

There has been some good news this month and I’ll get into that more later. I’m back into a “work” state where I need to narrow my focus on TTRPGs a little bit. I’ve got some pretty rockin campaign ideas and worldbuilding that I want to do. In fact, I have too many. Yay, backlog of ideas in case I ever get writer’s block, but boo because I want to work on all of them and doing one distracts from the others.

From feelings of utter failure to freaking out happiness and back again.

I kinda low key blame social media for that part. I’ll be doing great, getting my dopamine fix for the day on Twitter and then I see the miraculous amounts of success some of my friends are having on Kickstarter or in their shop on Ko-Fi, Etsy, or wherever. Then it’s like, damn. Why can’t I do that?

Maybe not Kickstarter because I don’t have anything fleshed out well enough to go to market just yet. I am tinkering around with Patreon and some monetization stuff on my site. I’ve had Ko-Fi going for almost two years now? I think? Something like that. It hasn’t netted me a heap of cash. I thought about starting a GoFundMe for my family. We have a lot of bills coming due at the moment. Four kids. It was bound to happen sometime, right?

I frustrate myself. I spend endless amounts of time in my own head. I have all these cool ideas and visions. Now if I just had time to work on all of it. I’m not kidding when I say sometimes, I think I’m afraid of success more than anything. That would mean I’d have to, ya know- deal with people or something. Which is probably a worse fear.

Talking to a large audience is actually easy for me.

The camera is a different animal. Tik Tok and YouTube are sorta scary in their own way. We’ll put a pin in that one for now.

I can talk to you, my readers, all day long. It’s like you’re sitting here in my living room giving you my take on various topics. I tend to write a lot like I speak. We could just have a conversation about anything in the TTRPG industry, movies, Law of Attraction, or other topics that readily come to mind. (*Although no promises there won’t be mentions of shadowy tentacles and goats.) Now, actually dealing with you one-on-one would be different entirely.

It’s a lot like being behind the GM screen. I feel really safe back there. I have my books, my notes, my coffee, and no worries. It’s just gaming. Being here behind my keyboard on my laptop is much the same way. It’s all good until those article teasers get out on social media. Then the nerves kick in.

Social media, including Tik Tok and YouTube give me much cognitive dissonance. It’s like yay dopamine, but anxiety that I’m going to have to go rounds with someone. It sounds crazy because it is. I think I’m actually more afraid of that very dark side of my personality that comes out when the urge to argue with someone hits. It’s super uncomfortable for me these days. It used to be easy to unleash the beast. Now?

I think in order to be at peace with myself, it’s better not to cause strife with others. I mean, inevitably with mass communication of any kind, it’s gonna happen. That’s just the nature of the beast. Ben Franklin once said, “You can’t please all of the people all of the time.”

Some good news this month.

I was nervous about sharing this, but everything is coming together. It looks like I’ve finally been approved for my SSDI. Trying not to count my chickens just yet, but it will be a huge relief. It will also mean I can focus on creating content between doctors and therapy appointments.

I’m finally getting some traction here on my blog thanks to you, my readers. Have I mentioned how much I love you today? You all keep me going knowing that you’re there, and I appreciate it.

Contest entries have been submitted.

I have all three monsters in for RPG Superstar. My two submissions for the Arcana Unearthed were in a long time before they were due. I’m constantly looking for more places to submit ideas for free. Lord knows I have a ton of Kickstarters and other projects I’d love to back with that prize money.

It’s not that I’m competitive. I firmly believe there is enough to go around for all of us both in the TTRPG industry and in the real world. Some of the recent million dollar Kickstarter projects have proven that. Not gonna lie, I do wish that was me sometimes. Sometimes these little one-offs, contest submissions, and short articles are better in terms of stress and ADHD.

Looking ahead to the rest of the month and what’s in store for June.

I desperately need to narrow my focus on projects. I always have a hard time deciding what to put on the back burner. Seriously, I’m like a fountain of TTRPG ideas right now and that’s on top of all of the crazy industry news I could be covering. One of these nights I need to do a random list of tidbits from around the industry as of late. Hey, it’s not all Wizards of the Coast for once.

I want to try to get it down to about a handful of dedicated projects and actually get some things down in print. My Essence 20 obsession is probably going to stay. Monster of the Week is a keeper. My own TTRPG is going to get bumped to the forefront again because I’ve got a plan now. I’m definitely going to do something with Cypher System. I’m still pretty enthralled by it. I’m also going to keep some kind of fantasy project going for Old School Essentials or Dungeon Crawl Classics.

Overcommitment is pretty much my middle name. I’ve got a notebook set aside for when all these side projects and cool ideas come up. The problem is getting sidetracked onto the other projects. I never claimed my ADHD never got the better of me. It’s also kinda the problem of being my own boss, editor, and employee of the month. (*LOL?)

We’ll see what pans out. Lots more to come. Thank you again for stopping by. See you next month.