What lights me up?

I recently told a friend, “I don’t know if the lightbulb had come on yet.” And truthfully, I’m still not 100% certain. I’ve had a hand in so many things over the years. Some of them aren’t necessarily profitable or viable careers, but fun? Heck yeah!

Let me provide examples. All through high school and some of college, I did theatre. The stage was my life. I was building sets, designing lights, and memorizing lines. But, all of the older, wiser folks in my life convinced me “there’s no money in that.”

While I was in high school, I helped with various sports as an assistant coach/manager. I also did video work and photography. At one point I was even the guy in the mascot costume. And I carried the camera work all the way through college. I still love taking pics and making videos.

I’ll admit, I’m not much of an athlete. Yes, old , broken paradigm, I know. But I used to ride a 10 speed bike everywhere. I didn’t get a driver’s license until my 21st birthday. I grew up in Iowa, a state where towns are pretty spaced apart, but most small towns can be traversed by pedal power in 20 minutes or less. I know bicycling a little bit.

I was around for the early, early days of the Internet. I’ve always been fascinated with the world wide web. That’s something I still dabble in now.

I shadowed a reporter in 7th grade. (I don’t remember what grade exactly.) I thought newspaper work was cool. I learned newspaper work before we had computer aided layout. Line tape, straight edge, Exacto knives, and lots of glue. It seems primitive now. But master the old, hard basics and the new stuff is easy. Same with theatre lighting.

I loved art in school. I mixed a hobby- role playing games- with art in the form of miniatures wargaming. I love painting minis. I love sculpture period, regardless of size. I love paintings, too. Abstract is mutt favorite, but I can appreciate just about anything.

I mentioned role playing games. That’s how I became a sociology major, actually. I love small group interactions. I love talking to people one-on-one. Everyone has a story. As a side note, I always admired that about my dad, too. I love a good story.

I love crafting stories either with my fellow game “nerds” or by myself. Although gaming with friends gives me a better excuse to eat mad snax and roll lots of dice. There’s also mandatory hours of joking around after.

So, what is all this? I’m going through a period of deep self exploration. I’m learning to understand, accept, and love myself. My love of all things paranormal, especially UFO’s and ETs led to my spiritual awakening and revived my love of meditation and universal peace. Ultimately, it led to Laura Dibenedetto’s 90 Day Habit Mastery Program.

This isn’t another shameless plug, but rather where I’m at right now. Things are coming up for clearing that I had imagined were long gone. With all the painful past memories, I’ve also remembered old passions. I used to be kind of a renaissance man.

So, I’ve been doing a great deal of introspection and soul searching as part of the 90 Day Habit Mastery Program. Was I born to tell gasoline truck drivers where to go all night? Abso-friggin-lutely not! Do you think there’s joy in that? Again, abso-smurfly not!

Here’s the dilemma. I have a family to provide for. Now I’m thinking, “hmm. Maybe my dear ol’ Dad was right.” Maybe I should leave all the childish things behind and get a grindy, boring, monotonous job that just wears my soul down hour by hour, day by day, month after trudgerous month, year after unfulfilling year until I retire or die. Sounds great, right? My entire worth is in my paycheck.

Oh no. Lack mentality kicks in. What do I do without that check? What do I do if I get canned? Why can’t I up and quit without something else lined up? What would become of me?

Okay, I’m not totally daft. They’re called “loved ones” for a reason. It’s not lack, fellow lightworkers. It’s safe. Maybe too safe, keeping the old, monotonous grind job. But, if LoA is as awesome as all the gurus say, I can stay put AND still attract better. Right? Well, we’ll see. Money *does* light me up, technically.

I mean, think about it. Turn me loose with a large budget. See what happens. Bills get paid. Sounds rudimentary, but think about it- some of those bills have living people with families on the other end. Sweet! Helped then out today.

Money is a good thing! Damn right I’m excited! Theatre- productions need backing. And facilities, lights, set, and props aren’t free. Bicycles cost money. Minis? Paint? No budget concerns? Woohoo! Books. Omg books and books… Yeah. Money is cool.

So what lights me up most? Ya know. I’m still not sure. I’m looking around right now. I’m digging deep. (Thanks @lauraldibenedetto.) And I’ll let you know. If anyone has any suggestions, please send me a message. I have a long list of “no’s,” but you might be surprised what gets a “yes.”

Self Improvement

It’s not about “shadow” work. It’s about doing meaningful inner work on myself.

90 Days. Six Habits. One big goal. Laura DiBenedetto has become a friend, a mentor and someone I really look up to. If you follow me on social media, or listen to me in general, you may have heard me mention the program a time or two. As you may have also heard, I take this program very seriously.

I have kind of a colorful past. It might not look that way on paper, but I have been around the block a time or two. We all have in one way or another. I’ve made my share of stupid mistakes. I’ve done some things I’m not proud of. I’ve made some pretty awful choices in life. I could still turn to the dark side with some of the things I know (*But I won’t!) I’ve focused on some things in the past that I regret. I’m not going to dwell on my pile of screw-ups here.

On the other hand, I’ve done some things I can be pretty proud of. If you go by strictly matrix terms, I have a decent job. I’m college educated. I have a wife and four boys. Like the song says, “Life’s been good to me so far.” Right?

Like most American families, we fell right into the grand plan. We’re mortgaged to the proverbial hilt. We’ve got credit card debt, loan debt, student loan debt, and a messy heap of bills to pay. I know. Money isn’t a value. But it sure would be helpful sometimes.

Enter spiritual awakening in the midst of all this. I mentioned a matrix earlier. Whether you believe it’s like the movie The Matrix, or it’s just a staggering set of values and principles we are indoctrinated into from day one there is a matrix. But there’s a much bigger, much brighter world out there. There’s a world of love and light, friendship and fun out there.

Why am I slaving away at a job I don’t like? Why am I living in a city I’ve never been fond of? How did I get here? Who the heck am I again?

Let’s get deep. How do I define “me?” Am I the sum of my job title, my college degree, my earnings and my family? Is that the same thing as love and light? Is that the experience I signed up for in this lifetime? I’m not sure any more. Who am “I?”

I see a lot of beautiful women in the spiritual community talking about “shadow work” and all this just awful, dark, deep, emotional stuff. And a vast majority of them only seem to want to work with women. I’ve lost a couple of friends over that last part, but I’ll get into that later.

I did a lot of looking into the Law of Attraction. Heck, Aaron Doughty, Victor Oddo, and Jake Ducey could be the long lost little brothers I never had. Esther Hicks could be my long lost grandmother. I’ve had my back and forth with LoA. But the question was always, “why?”

Laura got to ask me the why. She was surprisingly approachable despite being Fortune 500 quality and something I read about her working mostly with women. It was something I asked her about early on. Glad she didn’t hold that against me.

Now, for some reason, I got it into my head, that maybe there was just a formula to LoA that I wasn’t seeing. Maybe there was some super secret technique, that followed precisely in the right order, might make me totally rich. Maybe I just needed the right network? The right advice? I just want to get rich and pay everyone back, plant trees, make my family happy, and never worry about money again.

Laura totally deserves a medal because I used to bug her a lot with LoA questions. I’m pretty persistent when I want to be. Okay, all the time. Little did I know, I was asking the wrong questions. LoA still works, I think. Maybe just not the way I originally believed it did.

I still get big eyes when I see dollar signs. I think I inherited it from my Dad. He was always angling on some fly-by-night, get-rich-quick scheme. I’d like to think LoA goes well beyond money, and isn’t just a way to get rich quick. Which isn’t to say I don’t want to be rich, but I’m not blindly running at every dollar sign now. Especially not right now.

I titled this piece, “Self Improvement.” I learned, maybe the hard way, as I tend to do. What really matters in terms of spiritual awakening and really anything, is that doing that deep inner work is what is most important. Feeling my best is more important than anything else I’m ever going to do. If I can make me the best I can be, I can accomplish anything else. Suddenly it’s not “shadow” work. It’s the most important thing I’ll ever do for myself.

While I don’t want to reveal any proprietary information, I’m going to work Laura’s 90 Day Habit Mastery program. Six Habits. If I can master the Six Habits, the possibilities that follow are endless. I’m going to check back into this blog periodically to let you know how it’s going.

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