Still looking for that remote job. Wanna chat over Twitter? Sure. Want to exchange Instagram messages? Great. Message me on LinkedIn? Are you real? Wanna text? How well do I know you? You want to get together in person?!? Uh… Umm… M-maybe next week/month/year/never.
Please bear with me as I’m going to ramble a bit here.
I’ve been debating about posting this for a while now. It’s not entirely an imposter syndrome thing. Sometimes I just wonder if I’m doing things right?
I still have plenty of PTSD around criticism, so I’m not exactly out soliciting opinions of anything I’m doing. My inner critic is enough for me on any given day. I sure as shit never want to set foot in a “real” job ever again. If I can’t work remotely, I ain’t doin it. For the rest, there’s therapy. 😅
Today and several other days, I keep wondering if I’m social media-ing correctly? Is that a thing? I dunno. It is now, I guess.
I mean, I’m not trying to be the popular-est guy ever on social media. I’ve met some very amazing and talented people on Instagram and Twitter both. I truly treasure and appreciate so many of whom I’ve met so far. But am I making an impact? Would they say the same? I’m not entirely sure.
I’m not always getting 100% of the engagement I’m looking for on Twitter and Instagram. At least I’m not fighting/arguing with or getting-trolled-by anyone the majority of the time. That’s good, I guess.
I have a few people on Twitter that I follow who I’m pretty sure don’t recognize me as a follower or just plain don’t care. Lol? I guess invisible and anonymous is okay in some cases. I can still talk mad smack about Matt Mercer and he’ll never know. Bwah haha! (Just kidding.)
Having a life online and having friends out in the physical world are two different things.
Sure, we’d like to believe it’s both. You’ll notice I didn’t say, “the ‘real’ world” because for many, especially the last two years, online relationships are just as real as physical ones.
I have friends that I met, talk to, and hang with online pretty much exclusively. Kinda hard to go to coffee when we’re scattered all over the planet, literally, but we’re friends, regardless. As a big proponent of the Law of Attraction, I would say reality is what you make it.
Even if you have imaginary friends, and you have conversations with them in your head all day, they’re just as real as people you could meet on the street. And because emotion is energy in motion, eventually the Universe would likely pair you up with someone similar to the ones in you imagined along the lines of your vibrational frequency. (Theoretically.) So, no worries there.
I’m still struggling with meeting people out in public.
My therapist is working with me on this. Maybe talking about it helps, I dunno? Truth is, I still don’t want to hang with people out in the physical world. Some days, I don’t even want to leave the house. Hanging out with people in the physical world puts me in a state between panic and anger a lot of times.
Still looking for that remote job. Wanna chat over Twitter? Sure. Want to exchange Instagram messages? Great. Message me on LinkedIn? Are you real? Wanna text? How well do I know you? You want to get together in person?!? Uh… Umm… M-maybe next week/month/year/never.
Maybe I’m happier making friends online? That’s sort of the social media engagement I’d really like. I’ve met some very remarkable people online over the years. That’s a good thing.
Maybe that’s why this format works for me.
I’m okay addressing an audience in writing. It’s cool. I’ll probably never hear from the vast majority of my audience. And that’s okay. We’re cool like that, right?
I’m grateful for you. I appreciate you. Thank you for being here with me in this space. See ya soon.
Getting fired from a job I was really starting to despise was practically a relief. Every month I celebrate my personal freedom. I am so happy and grateful for all of life’s experiences.
I’ve been at this since July 19, 2021.
Since then, I’ve had many wonderful, warm, happy, spiritual experiences. It’s been mostly peaceful, downright pleasant. About the only downside has been the change in stable income. I went from a level I was very comfortable with to, uh… yeah. Still working on that one. But it’s all good.
I will say I don’t miss the grind. We’re getting by okay on one income. The bills are covered. Personally, I’m working on some writing projects and looking for writing jobs so I can pass the goodness onto my friends in the TTRPG community and elsewhere.
There are literally no regrets otherwise. All the crapola that came with that job otherwise? They can keep it. I wish I could say more, but I don’t feel like getting sued. I am a big believer in karma, though.
It was never exactly the plan I intended.
I really mean it. Please take care of your needs and those of your loved ones.
My intentions looked a lot different originally. I intended to be wealthy with a steady enough stream of income to retire somewhere in the Pacific Northwest US and never effectively be heard from again aside from social media and my written work and YouTube. (I still intend to retire to a quiet cabin next to a lake some day.) That was mid-2019, before everything totally went to pieces worldwide.
Needless to say the lockdowns/quarantines from COVID brought us closer as a family. I’m pretty happy being around my family these days. My wife has been extremely loving and understanding about the whole unemployment thing so far. Lord knows I’ve dated women before her that would have kicked me to the curb a lot sooner. Yes, the kids still tend to drive me a little batty, much like any parent, but I love them to pieces.
I originally intended to fulfill a more spiritual mission as it related to Ufology. I wanted to bridge the gap between the nuts-and-bolts ufologists and the more spiritual side of Ufology. While it may happen some day, it probably won’t be me that gets it done. Too many people have too much to lose to give up their stream of income and jaded opinions to cross over to the other side of the fence in both communities. I have more love than ever for the Experiencer community, though.
Mental Health Matters!
Therapy. Needed. Badly…
I remember that night six months ago. They met me at the door and pulled me into a side office. I knew instantly what was going down, reaffirmed by the contents of my desk sitting in a box on the table. I think we’ve all seen this before. All the specifics are kind of a blur because our mind seeks to protect us from pain/trauma. I wasn’t especially hurt or angry. More like slightly annoyed and disappointed.
Really the biggest question in my mind was what to tell the kids. My wife had often said the writing was on the Jumbotron and that it was no real surprise. Yet, my number one biggest concern was for her and the kids.
You know what? It turns out that my loving wife sees me as more than a paycheck. She totally shattered that misconception when she touched my arm and told me it was going to be okay. Not gonna lie, I cried a little over that.
Yes, I’ve had bouts of depression and anxiety since. It happens. It’s normal for many of us, despite the social stigma attached to it. “Cheer up,” and “Don’t worry,” don’t magically make depression and anxiety go away. Honest. Unemployment has done wonders for my anxiety, though. There’s less to worry about when I’m home all day with the cats and no shitz to give otherwise.
My inner critic calls me everything from “deadbeat” to “freeloading loser.”
To him, I say, “Go fly a kite. Soaked in gasoline. In Hell. Don’t care.”
You might have guessed by now that I still need therapy. I’m still in therapy. I was going back to my therapist before they canned me because things had gotten pretty grim mental health wise, anyway. Truthfully, I was pretty relieved not having to go back to that place.
Who knows? Another six months of therapy might even see me wanting to be around people again. I might even go see if I can get hired as a door greeter at the local Wally World. Between my physical and mental health, we know for sure there are certain jobs I won’t touch ever again.
At least I can proudly say my mental health is improving. I know there are a lot of people quitting their jobs right now because they’re tired of the crap. Love them. They’re doing the right thing for it. Employers need to learn what they can’t get away with if they want to retain people. You know what’s truly crazy? Working somewhere that pays less than what one is worth, for long hours, crappy benefits, and harsh criticism.
That’s probably the thing that drove me into therapy the most. It’s one thing to criticize someone’s job performance in the name of improving the company. I get that. But when they literally tell you to internalize that they think you’re less than mediocre? Another reason for me to NEVER set foot in an office environment again. Sorry, I just don’t have the personal resources to handle that. Again, I believe in karma.
I got the boot a couple of weeks after that total downer of a review. No surprise, really. Just annoying. Treat people the way you would want them to treat you. And middle finger on each hand up to corporate America for some of their contrary values.
I am a spiritual being having a physical experience. When I’m not afraid to die, I’m not afraid of anything that can be said to me. However, I still have feelings and free will. Luckily, I choose in every now moment to stay calm, forgive, and remember we’re all here on the Earth plane to have these types of (crappy) experiences. Some day I’ll tell you what all I’ve learned. LOL!
Not a millionaire yet. Just going for joy.
Time to get creative!
I’m not going to do the whole sappy happiness-over-money bit. Money serves a very important function in society. It buys me a lot of things that brings joy, plus it helps people. I love wealth and prosperity. I admire people who have more than I do. Sure. Why begrudge anyone their happiness and prosperity? We should all be so fortunate.
That all said, I can write for enjoyment. I’m not fighting through the chronic pain every day to crawl into work just to be miserable some more. (God/Source/Universe bless you if you do.) I don’t have an overzealous middle management supervisor breathing down my neck and I’m not just a meaningless cog in the corporate machine any more. Years of stress and not taking care of myself in the name of the almighty dollar left me with a wrecked body and tons of pain. Please, do yourself a favor and take care of you, too.
Now, I’m waiting for the good graces of government and/or a remote job to come through. Otherwise, I’m writing for fun and ttrpg money. I’m going to stamp my own personal NaNoWriMo on a month coming up assuming everyone is healthy (and nothing else is going on) to knock out my first actual novel.
What’s all this TTRPG business about?
DMSGuild.com Just one of the places I want to get published.
For those unfamiliar with the term, TTRPG stands for Table Top Role Playing Game. Some would recognize Dungeons & Dragons as probably the most popular ttrpg on the market today. Of course there are literally hundreds of ttrpgs out there in the world in every genre imaginable with as many systems as one would care to learn.
I discovered a very warm, very welcoming #ttrpg community on Twitter a few months ago after the Añjali fracas left a very bad taste in my mouth. My new online friends have helped me realize that running, writing, and discussing roleplaying games truly does make me happy. Remember that whole joy thing? Yeah. That’s my joy.
Plus, having all this time off because employers want to hire me about as bad as I want to work for some of them has given me a lot of time to learn interesting new skills and embrace old ones. I’m getting back into blogging, web design, and social media a bit. Maybe I’ll even do some freelance work along those lines eventually.
I’m looking at dropping some of my own written ttrpg work onto DriveThruRPG, the DMSGuild and possibly starting something on Itch.IO going forward along with some freelance writing jobs in the industry. I’m aspiring for that electrum best seller spot on OneBookShelf.com on at least one of their affiliate sites. Years of being turned down by game companies have taught me the best way into the industry is to just do the darn thing and publish it myself.
This year is looking up so far. Yes, steady income is cool and all, but doing something I love to the point where it is almost indistinguishable from daily living is priceless. Plus I have more family time than ever, which has been nice.
That’s why my blog has mostly changed. I’m still dropping some spiritual stuff here and there along with my personal shares. Mostly, my goal is to post about that which really lights me up now or things I’m passionate about one way or the other. This might be the last Freedom Day update for a while. I’ll keep everyone posted if things change.
If you want to help out and keep this blog going, please consider a donation on Ko-Fi.
My chest is getting a bit tight just thinking about all this. Breathe…
I’m working on a couple of projects that I’m very excited about or at least I should be. I’m sworn to secrecy, so I can’t say what they are, but they’re very important to me. It’s also very exciting.
That’s all fine and well, but the old sinking feelings set in. I start asking all the wrong questions in my head. What if I fail? What if I miss my deadline? What if no one likes it? What if my wife gets on me for spending more time on this than housework or finding a “real” job. What if I’m successful? Ooh pressure… What if there’s criticism? See also all of my personal PTSD triggers…
If anyone needs me, I’ll be curled up under my desk.
Procrastination sets in. I start spending way more time on social media. I play Diablo 3 like it’s going out of style. I do housework until my body says “no more.” The cats are avoiding me because of too many snuggles. Time to be my own therapist for a change. None of this pattern is new to me. Time to break the cycle.
What’s the BEST that can happen?
The worst case scenario has had enough time in the limelight to last me a lifetime. I took Public Relations in college. I know how it works. But I’m done with thinking about what could go wrong. Let’s project what it looks like when things go right.
Use positive affirmations to build confidence back up. If nothing else, I am okay.
Speak it into existence with gratitude for what will happen. “I am so happy and grateful now that I am a successfully published RPG writer.”
Take inspired action. Don’t let those good ideas sit on the shelf.
“Lean into the suck.” (Thanks Laura DiBenedetto!) More on that below.
False Evidence Appearing Real. Let the demons go on a diet. No more fear.
Stay calm. Relax. Breathe. Stay present in the moment. Every now moment.
Get knocked down 99 times. Stand up 100 times. Failure is part of the process.
Do not compare oneself to the images on social media. The grass is always greener in someone else’s front yard.
Finally, criticism is also part of the process. Trust that it isn’t personal. Learn. Grow from it. Keep going with the knowledge that change and growth go hand in hand.
A good friend of mine once said, “Lean into the suck.”
Yes, there’s stress. But…
Yes, there’s going to be stress. It’s part of the process. Yes, there are challenges to overcome. If it were totally easy, someone else would have done it by now. Sometimes, you just have to push through all the fear, stress, concerns and challenges to come out on top in that place of gratitude. Even Elon Musk and Jeff Besos have off days and problems to solve.
Inspired action is still action and sometimes that comes with more challenges (or consequences.) I know I have to step out of my comfort zone. I have to reach for those goals. They’re not just going to happen magically while I sit on my couch and meditate. (Yay meditation, but still…)
Yeah, sometimes things are going to suck. There are setbacks. They’re not permanent. Hold my Dr Pepper. I got this.
I have to constantly remind myself I am NOT my feelings.
Sure, I have feelings. (My man card is burning. LOL!) The thing we tend to forget is that we choose our feelings. I’m not in any imminent danger of being eaten by a bear, so I can choose something besides stress.
Yeah, criticism is likely. But my editor is human. I’m still going to put my best foot forward and do my utmost to meet deadline. If it’s not perfect, we’ll figure it out together.
I am not my diagnosis of PTSD, ADHD, depression, anxiety disorder or anything else psychology labels me as having. I am capable of staying positive and present. I can do this. I’ve got this.
Thanks for bearing with me on a personal share. Sometimes I just need to put it down in words to feel my way through things. The interweb is my vision board.
I am so grateful for all of you. Be back soon.
If you’re interested in more life changing suggestions for personal growth, you can check out The Six Habits by Laura DiBenedetto. This book and its author have helped me so much these last three years.
I have not abandoned spirituality, ufology or the beings completely, but I’m stepping a very long way back from talking about it. I’ve been into tabletop roleplaying games for years before awakening.
After a LOT of consideration and thought, I’ve rebranded my site and almost everything else I had going. I’ll briefly get into a couple of reasons for this, primarily because I was just due for a major overhaul.
The first reason that comes to mind is I wanted the look of the site to evolve and reflect the change in content. I was running Sellswordgames.blog. As that site will no longer being used and I am pretty much done with that brand, we’re moving back in here with all my gaming content.
I have not abandoned spirituality, ufology or the beings completely, but I’m stepping a very long way back from talking about it. I’ve been into tabletop roleplaying games for years before awakening. I will still embrace the Universe in all things, thanking Source for all things, and loving life on Gaia each and every day. My focus on love, prosperity, and joy have not gone away, but rather are being rekindled here in a different way.
The second reason is I wanted to take advantage of my primary blog site’s WordPress features. There are a few more options for monetization, etc here than on the free WordPress sites. There are also more/better looking thematic options and plugins I can use.
Lastly, it was just time for some changes. Law of Attraction means getting into that flow state; acting on inspiration, and I really felt like I was getting into a groove at the end of last year. I will still be posting the occasional personal note along with all the cool gaming stuff I have lined up. I’m excited to be up and running again. I have a renewed sense of vigor when it comes to writing and I have a lot of fun projects lined up.
Thank you. Namaste
I am grateful for everyone who follows me and sees this. Thank you! Have a great week and I’ll be back very soon.
Jeff's Game Box 