Freedom Day! 11th Month Edition

Our continuing mission to seek out new opportunities, new wealth and prosperity has hit yet more snags. I’ve been off work for 11 months with no prospects for gainful employment in sight. The government is not helping yet or possibly at all. The bills are starting to creep up.

Captain’s Log. Stardate: 6.19.2022.

Our continuing mission to seek out new opportunities, new wealth and prosperity has hit yet more snags. I’ve been off work for 11 months with no prospects for gainful employment in sight. The government is not helping yet or possibly at all. The bills are starting to creep up.

A family of six surviving on one paycheck in this day and age looks pretty grim. Law of Attraction aficionados would say I chose this. Lord knows I have plenty of reasons to be down these days. Guess I’m choosing depression, too. It wouldn’t be so bad if I could just bury my head in the sand and just pretend things were going to improve.

Site engagement has been up.

THANK YOU!

One silver lining this month has been engagement on this site. I saw a couple of beautiful spikes in views earlier this month. Wow! If you’re here, thank you! I appreciate you stopping by.

A lot of the feedback I’ve received from sources such as #ttrpg Twitter has been extremely positive. I’m still somewhat new to blogging and it makes my heart flutter a bit when I hear a compliment. Thank you! Of course, more site traffic isn’t a sign of positive or negative opinions, but I’ll take the up-tick in views. Thank you!

Then there’s a ton of stuff that doesn’t make much sense yet.

I regularly mull over what I’m doing right in terms of writing, parenting, husbanding, adulting, etc. There’s never a super clear answer to any of my questions. It’s not like life comes with a user’s manual. Kinda wish it did some days. (Like, the ones ending in “y.”)

I keep wondering about how to best monetize myself in the roleplaying game market. Kickstarter? Patreon? Maybe just put stuff on Ko-Fi? I’m not sure I’m ready for DriveThruRPG just yet. That would require a finished larger product.

Someone recently mentioned trying out Fiverr. (Coming Soon!) I have often considered doing piece work, short articles, and social media posts. The same wonderful person mentioned possibly doing some ghostwriting or editing. Terrifying, which is why I’m looking into it.

Then again, am I really supposed to be in the RPG market at all? What about writing a novel? (Not as easy as it sounds, btw.) What about life coaching? (LOL! Not sure if I should be coaching or finding one.) What about becoming some sort of spiritual teacher? (*Don’t worry. Andey Fellowes and others would talk me down off that ledge.) What about a self help book? (Uh… 😐)

Figured out what I’m not doing.

That list goes on forever. The most obvious ones include finding another dispatching job. No thanks PTSD. Not today.

Scrubbing floors is right out. Even if my back and pain levels could tolerate it, my wife would likely shoot me. The hours for that kind of work are not worth the pay and effort involved.

Iowa Workforce Development. There’s a reason I’m no longer looking for a job in this state. They were more than happy to help as long as I wasn’t neurodivergent, in pain, and happy to throw my college degree out the window. Iowa needs dental hygienists and welders. Just don’t come around here being one of those sinister teacher types. (*Love you, wife.)

I’m too old and out of shape for retail, restaurants, factories, and office jobs. I have too many values and principles to ever do sales, especially over the phone. Call center jobs tend to become very stressful and triggering about five minutes in. I don’t even think Wal Mart would take me as a door greeter at this point.

In fact, screw working for any kind of big company or corporation ever again. Even if all the corporate culture head trash didn’t make me want to vomit, I’m pretty sure any review I receive is going to trigger me all over the place. That’s assuming we get that far. “Let’s have a meeting” would be followed by me coming completely unglued on someone. No thanks.

Bring my Garden Weasel to work day?

A brilliant and beautiful soul put me onto some new avenues of abundance.

Laura is the best!

I can always count on my friend Laura DiBenedetto to set me straight. She recently clued me into a couple of new avenues to abundance. I’m working on it, but it’s taking a little time. More on that as it develops.

I also continue to practice the skills I learned from The Six Habits. Laura’s book legitimately can and will change your life if you work with it. I may still get down sometimes (depression sucks!) but it’s an ongoing process, much like spiritual awakening.

The human brain creates channels of memory like lava carving its way down the side of a volcano. Practice a habit for 21 days and you can change the channel. Brain cells that fire together wire together. Neuroplasticity can modify those channels to improve your life. Look up Hebb’s Law. A constant practice of Kindness, Acceptance, Gratitude, Presence, Goodness and Intention will yield positive results given enough practice.

I’ve been back into the book lately, myself. Sometimes we get out of practice on certain things. It’s good to go back to basics and remember why we came here.

Gratitude is key.

Okay. I’ll buy that one. I’m so happy and grateful I have a roof over my head and a food on my plate. I’m grateful for all of the wonderful things I have in life. I’m grateful for my family’s health. I’m super extra grateful for my wife’s job. I’m super happy and grateful when I find loose change on the street, too. I’m grateful I met Laura, too.

Gonna go off now…

I’d like to say I’m grateful I got canned from that last gig. Look at all the stuff that’s teaching me. I’m grateful to be walking around with not-two-shits to give about anyone working for a large corporation or what they have to say. I’m grateful Iowa Workforce Development was more than happy to help as long as I did exactly what they wanted me to do. I’m extra grateful the government keeps denying my disability because I love being f’kn broke all the time. I’m grateful every time I log into LinkedIn to find out some other scamtastic pile of refuse has viewed my profile, because it reminds me I’m glad I gave up that damn job search crap months ago.

I know I have some things working against me every day.

Silly “Old Grognard” photo

First up, my age. I turn the big 50 in ten days. Even if I wasn’t long in the beard and bald as a cue ball, my birth certificate does not lie. I could shave tomorrow, but I know in my heart of hearts it will do me no good.

But what does that mean? Why is that so bad? Well, first off, employers really don’t want to see me walk in the door because they know I’m old enough not to take any sh*t that they hand out to the younger new guys.

On every given day, especially now that I’m officially “old,” my health comes into question. Which, I know how much they cringe with FMLA comes up. I literally have no choice but to mention it nowadays. I’m happy to be functional three days out of five most of the time.

My back and my pain tolerance make it pretty hard to do a lot of those fun repetitive motion tasks like mopping floors, scrubbing toilets, running a cash register, stocking shelves, standing all day, and a lot of other things y’all youngins take for granted. In fact, writing is one of the few things I can enjoy doing while sitting down from the comfort of my couch. (Too bad it doesn’t pay better, but we’re working on it.)

As bitterly annoyed as I am becoming toward certain entities, one fact remains prevalent.

No clue wtf I’m doing any more.

I have a family to take care of. That hurts on so many levels I can’t even describe them all. I’m very grateful my wife is taking care of all of us. That’s super.

Sorry, kids. Dad’s kind of a deadbeat. Seriously, I know how it looks. I wish I could provide more. I so desperately want to give more financially. And I live here. Your mom and I are still married somehow.

So, yeah. 11 months into this sh*tshow and I still have more questions than answers. I’m still wrestling with finding myself, accepting my own inadequacies, and fumbling around with what to do. I’m still unable to rub two shince together and have not two sh*ts left to give some days. Improvements are hopefully on the way soon.

Thanks for being here, one and all. I would have liked to have glowing things to say, but it’s been another r month. Onward and upward, I suppose.


Personal Spiritual Share: Existence.

Sometimes the struggle comes before the prosperity. Whenever you’re going through crap, there’s always a lesson on the other side.

It’s been a rough couple of days.

Expectation of injured.

One thing people don’t tend to understand as well about depression is that it doesn’t show on the outside. The same goes for chronic physical pain. Just because there’s no fence post sticking through my neck, doesn’t mean I don’t feel the pain every day both emotionally and physically.

I’ve said before that if pain is fear leaving the body, I can walk up to Godzilla and kick him in the nuts. I ain’t scared of nothin. (*Editor’s note: Yes, that’s horrible grammar.) But the point is: I’ve had my freakin fill of pain and fear both. I’m done.

There’s ALWAYS a lesson!

Quick story for ya. The other day I went to my kids’ ballgames and dropped them off to their respective teams. Grandview Little League is notorious for having very little available parking on Saturdays during game days. I circled around a few times and couldn’t find a space. So, out of sheer frustration, I took the car home and walked back to the baseball field. It only takes about 15-20 minutes. I used to do that kind of thing all the time where I grew up.

So, I get back to the ballpark and walk past my usual parking space only to find it wide open. I busted out laughing because you just can’t make this stuff up. The Universe taught me a lesson that day. Sometimes the struggle comes before the prosperity. Whenever you’re going through crap, there’s always a lesson on the other side.

Taking it one or two steps further.

Walk with me for a moment figuratively. IFF we’re spiritual beings having a physical experience, then the human body is basically a lens through which experiences are focused-in-on and perceived. These fleshy suits we wear in 3D reality are like a magnifying glass for experiences and feelings in the physical. (Editor’s Note: If you really want to blow your mind, multiply everything by millions upon billions of beings across the universe and alternate reality timelines. It’s staggering!)

As a collective consciousness, Earth is a big classroom with the Universe/God/Source as our teacher. Everything we all experience together is then a spiritual lesson for us all. Every moment of joy, triumph, or passion teaches us something. Likewise, so does lack, pain, and suffering.

I think we all know what we would prefer to experience while we’re here on Earth. The hard part is experiencing all of the things we don’t prefer in order to learn what we do prefer. For example, we have all at some time experienced lack (of some sort,) so we know what an abundance looks like. We’ve all been sad, so we know what joy looks like.

It’s hard to be grateful for the negative stuff.

Yet I am, because without it, I wouldn’t know what the awesomeness on the other side will look like. As an aside, because I do know what much better times look like, I know the sad times won’t last forever. Until then, I’m grateful for what I have.

Thank you all for being here. Have a fabulous weekend.

March 19th. Freedom Day Again.

I’m working on myself today. Tiny steps. It’s not easy. Looks easy on paper, but…

Personal Share: Circling the drain.

As you may have already guessed, I’m going to get a bit vulnerable in this particular article. Not gonna lie, it’s been a rough couple of months for me. As a trusted friend pointed out, I seem to be “swirling the drain.” She’s right without knowing how dark it really has gotten. This is harder than I thought it was going to be and is probably going to turn into a whole series.

A well known Law of Attraction guru whom I have never met in person once said, “Once you overcome the fear of dying, what’s left?”

*Disclaimer: Do not taunt bears or go skydiving with lit dynamite. Also, juggling chainsaws is right out. Do not try dangerous stuff at home based on what some internet goob said. That is not what we’re talking about.*

He was poking for the obvious answer of there’s literally nothing to be afraid of. Start a new job and get fired in the first 10 minutes? Why not? Talk mad smack about the government on social media? What’s going to happen? Who cares? Become a millionaire overnight? F*ck yeah! Why be afraid?

Not trying to sell anyone’s program, just thinking out loud.

There is a very valid point about not being afraid to fail or succeed. When there’s nowhere else to go- look up. As people, one has the capability of lifting oneself up. The opposite stands true as well. Sometimes we’re our own worst enemy.

It’s better to suffer the slings and arrows of grievous misfortune than to be afraid of trying in the first place. Truly it is one of the easiest damn things ever to say. I get it. I’ve been at this for a while now with self help, LoA, and the whole spiritual awakening show. Saying is easy. Doing, on the other hand…

There’s always a choice.

This is way tougher than I thought it was going to be and I’ll definitely be continuing this conversation in future articles.

We choose our actions in any given moment. Every sentence, heck- every word is a choice. We get to set our intentions with every choice big or small. Whether it’s make a cup of coffee or move to Alaska, everything boils down to a choice. Then the real, heavy, stubborn world kicks in and reminds us that all of our actions have consequences and our decisions have far reaching ramifications sometimes. (Which is why no chainsaw juggling or moving to Alaska for me.)

Here’s where I’m struggling:

I’d like to choose that victim role every day but… My choices roundabout got me here. I can choose better. I can choose smarter. I know this now. Maybe I’ve always known and I’m just now remembering, but that’s another story.

I choose to sit on the couch wallowing in misery and self pity. I’m choosing to be effectively crippled by self doubt and anxiety. I’ve chosen to let depression basically kick my ass all over the place.

Fear and anxiety (which is like, more fear) have basically been holding me back for a few months now. Today I’m choosing to start taking those very small steps toward recovery. My physical condition might still slow me down for now, but I’m going to get my mental, emotional and spiritual health in order.

Tiny steps. “Lean into the suck.”

The same wonderful friend that leveled with me about swirling the drain once said to “Lean into the suck.” I have always loved that phrase because it describes walking home in January Iowa weather perfectly. I literally used to walk or bike everywhere all year round.

It’s true of life, too. Sometimes things get bumpy. Those consequences and ramifications come back around like an exploding boomerang. The solution is to just keep on plowing through it all. It’s tough going, but no one is expecting everything to be done overnight.

I’m taking some pretty small steps. I’m choosing to improve my situation as opposed to choosing to binge on another Netflix series. Today I finish one more project on my to-do list than I did yesterday. One small step forward every day. One small victory building toward the next and so on.

I may not get it all figured out by the 19th of April, but I’m choosing to keep going. I’m determined to move toward abundance and away from lack. I’m determined not to become a permanent resident of my couch. I’m resolute that anxiety and depression do not own me. I intend to take more chances and try new things.

Thanks for being here on this journey with me. More to come on this topic. Take care. Have a lovely weekend.

We’re Still Here

Really depressed right now.

Super glad and grateful we’re all in one piece.

Hey, looks like I was wrong. Russia hasn’t touched off the big one yet. The Ukraine could be doing better, but the rest of the world remains relatively safe. Even though we’re never promised another day, it’s nice to have one.

The world still goes on. Again, I’m so happy and grateful for the peace and prosperity that flows into our lives easily, endlessly, and copiously every day. We have our share of rough times, but somehow we still prevail.

Now for a more personal share.

I’m tired, family. I’m tired and I just want to go home. Sometimes I don’t think this planet is for me, nor was it ever. I’ve had a lot of those rough times as of late, and survived only to wonder how many more are out there. I’m not the self-deleting kind, so no worries there. I just wonder why se are set upon the Earth to experience suffering, loss, hate, and all manner of other misfortunes.

I am wrestling with my depression a lot these days. Job prospects are looking pretty sad. Things are kinda tense here at home following a personal matter. It just wears me down. It’s all wearing me down.

I keep asking why, but the Universe never seems to really answer. I mean, is a straight answer that hard to come by? Why are we here? Why do bad things happen to us?

I appreciate you being here. Thank you for stopping by. Have a good week.

Personal Share at 3:33AM

After my last “real world” job experience, I’m not too keen on criticism. Seriously, I’m still having nightmares about that shit. I wasn’t kidding about the PTSD. Trust me, I’m still in therapy

I’ve been having trouble sleeping the last couple of weeks.

Yup.

Depression is real. I fight it. I fight it every freakin day. Some days are better than others. I choose joy. I choose positive thoughts. Shit still happens.

I’m grateful for being here in one piece, chatting with you. Yes, it could be a thousand times worse and I seriously feel for anyone who is struggling right now with depression or possibly a war in their back yard.

Lately, it’s been a little tough. I’m not pulling in the big bucks like I was. Okay, specifically, I’m not pulling any bucks. It’s kind of a downer if I’m being pragmatic. We’re not starving in the streets, but I’m starting to feel like a sixth wheel in my house. It gets to me because there’s so much more I want to do.

I get that I’m not everyone’s cup-o-tea.

“Look I so old to young eyes?” –Yoda

If rejection letters and flush emails were currency, I’d be a millionaire. I’m a writer, so getting shot down for things is kinda par for the course. Not a huge deal. And I’ve been blessed with not-a-ton of criticism.

After my last “real world” job experience, I’m not too keen on criticism. Seriously, I’m still having nightmares about that shit. I wasn’t kidding about the PTSD. Trust me, I’m still in therapy. Probably for a long time to come.

My wife and I playfully debate about changing my profile pics. She keeps trying to convince me to shave the beard. I contend that looking a couple of years younger is not gonna help and I love my beard.

It’s what I have to work with. Trust me when I say I have my share of issues working against me. Now if I could just convince the government…

I don’t expect everyone to love me. I’m not that arrogant. If I’m not your cup of tea, can I at least be your soda? Cup of coffee? Coaster? Anything?

February was the month of getting shot down in flames.

Criticism is not my friend.

Ever see that old Nintendo game, Duck Hunt? You can just call me “Daffy” because it’s like I’m out there flying around just waiting to get picked off. That dog’s still laughing at me, too.

The other day I receive another one of those should-have-known-better flush letters. I don’t know why I put myself through some of these things. I see opportunities that I think are fabulous that are “open to everyone, but…” The most bothersome part of that debacle is it wasn’t even a paid gig. It was a scholarship for cryin out loud!

Again, grateful there was no criticism there with the feedback. I would have caught that one in the feels for sure. I’m happy for whomever got it, but it was pretty obvious that I had no hope in Hell on that one. Onto the next one, I guess.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m on my own for the most part.

I’ve taken down my “Looking for Work” banners, etc on social media for the time being. I’m also pulling my resume down off of some websites because I’m tired of people just looking for names to add to their list or worse- selling it to telemarketing scum. I’m also a little annoyed that I’m getting spam calls from people who obviously pulled my number off the resume. If I didn’t give it to you, you shouldn’t have it!

I feel like seven plus months of looking for a job is enough for now. If I was going to get hired for real money, it would have happened by now. Countless applications = one kinda lame interview. Depressing.

I’m not sure I’m back to starting my own game company or looking for a suitable bridge to practice my high dive from. (Kidding about the bridge, for now, I guess, maybe.) At this point Wile E Coyote and I have a lot in common when it comes to wacky schemes. If anyone has any offers or deep thoughts they’d like to share, I’m all ears. jeffcraigmile@gmail.com

Thanks for hearing me out. I appreciate you.

Let’s Get Back to:

Let’s get back to less serious stuff, please?

Role Playing Games.

I’ll be honest, I was diagnosed with ADHD over a decade ago. I was medicated for it. Then I learned to meditate and got off of the medication. Most of the time it remains in check, but I still get sidetracked periodically.

Lately I’ve been concerned about what’s going on with world politics, LGTBQIA++ matters, philosophy, spirituality, and minor issue here at (my) home. I truly just want to get back to talking about mecha, Power Rangers RPG, my Fate Space/Horror game, and D&D. We might also be talking about some Dungeon Crawl Classics and a few other games.

Please don’t take this as a sign

That I don’t care about those more serious topics or that I’m trying to maintain the status quo. Please let me be clear: I do care about the serious stuff. I do care about my LGBTQ friends. I am still a very spiritual person at heart. I’m with you. I care about you.

But I also have to take care of myself. By taking care of myself, I’m taking care of my family, community, and helping others. Truthfully, the state of affairs in our world is starting to take a toll on my mental health. It’s sad, literally.

I’ve got my own share of personal matters to cope with right now, too. My unemployment ran out. I still haven’t found a paying remote job. SSDI fell through. (Round one. We aren’t done yet.) This blog keeps me sane.

I’d like to teach the world to game, not sing.

LOL! Only because I was told I have a singing voice that’s perfect for print. But seriously, if we could all sit down together with our beverages of choice and roll some dice together; maybe have a good laugh; that’d be just swell. I’d rather make characters not war.

Let’s pray peace breaks out and we can get back to having fun again. Let’s hope midterm elections prove successful in removing certain unruly elements from office before half the United States resembles Nazi Germany. Let’s leave the planet in better shape than it was in 100 years ago.

Thank you. I appreciate you. Take care.

Freedom Day! February 2020 v2.0 Edition

It’s going to get better. One of the toughest lessons in Law of Attraction is learning when the Universe is testing us. Also, learning from past experiences that keep repeating themselves is important. The Universe likes to ask, “Are you sure? Are you really ready for this awesomesauce thing you’ve been manifesting?”

I only wish I was kidding.

No surprises, really.

Remember the year 2020? Have any of us forgotten it yet? So far, this year is starting to remind me of 2020 in all of its shitastic glory.

I’ve reviewed, revised and rewritten this site. That’s as close to a breakthrough as I’ve truly had this year. I feel like we’re connecting more, reaching you, a more receptive audience, and growing together.

Then there’s the rest. The Icky Cough-Coughs came to visit in the middle of January and ate up two weeks of our lives here at the Craigmile house. It was not fun times. All of us came through it okay, which is a huge plus. Just when ya thought you were done with quarantine, though. (Eyeroll.)

The beginning of the year also brought us Governor Kim Reynolds meddling about in Iowa Workforce Development. Iowa has a massive shortage of “skilled” jobs, but nothing requiring a college degree. Nothing like a Bachelor’s degree in two majors just to have IWD tell me they’ll be happy to retrain my fibromyalgia-having ass to become an arc welder or a dental hygienist. (That shit ain’t happening.) But I still persevered through all the added hoops necessary to keep my unemployment check coming.

Then this week, I got shot down for a job I really had my sights set on. That hit right in the old depression, worse than anything in months. While I was recovering from that and a pain flare, I got a love letter in the mail from IWD. My unemployment money is due to peter out this week. We knew this day would come, but it doesn’t take the sting out of it.

Plus a lot of little things keep popping up like the kids’ grades. Minor household disasters are one of the latest things on the shit list. (Okay, a chunk of our garage literally fell off the other day.) Just for fun, I accidentally chipped a tooth the other day, too. One of these days my student loans are going to come due.

Let’s not forget it’s also an election year. Russia and the US are doing their damnedest to not go to war with one another or however that works. Let’s not forget the trucking, uh disaster, in Canada. The mass news media has more garbage and propaganda than ever to spew. I wasn’t even going to touch on this, but it does come up around here occasionally. Every once in a while my wife also goes rant mode over something a school board does any given place in the US. This whole book banning/burning thing makes me ill.

Chillin. Waitin for things to improve.

It’s going to get better. One of the toughest lessons in Law of Attraction is learning when the Universe is testing us. Also, learning from past experiences that keep repeating themselves is important. The Universe likes to ask, “Are you sure? Are you really ready for this awesomesauce thing you’ve been manifesting?”

My answer is always, “Give me a couple million dollars and let’s find out, okay?”

Hasn’t happened yet, but any day now. Right? (Nervous chuckle.) Until it does, or something equally wonderful, I have gratitude for the blessings in my life. I am grateful for new friends, especially on #TTRPGTwitter. I’m also grateful for my Earthly teachers new and old. I’m grateful for the wealth and prosperity that flows into our lives easily, endlessly and copiously every day. It’s the whole notion of living in the dream fulfilled.

The dream shifts and evolves.

Maybe this is why my vision board is not posted anywhere but in my head and on the internet. My big dream is to be a successful RPG writer/game designer. I intend for my kids to be well taken care-of. I want my wife to be happy. I’m pretty satisfied as long as all of that is in motion.

Would I love to be rich? Sure. Am I focused on being happy regardless? Yeah. Most days. Growing beyond contentment into joy is the pinnacle of high vibrations. As we all know from LoA, high vibration pulls us closer to manifesting our highest and best intentions.

I appreciate all of you. Thank you for sharing this space. More to come.

Knew This Was a Coming.

Honestly, God/Universe/Source bless whoever did end up with the position. They deserve it. It’s a great job. I’m glad they can provide abundance for their family and contribute to the economy in a meaningful way. That’s great. Seriously, I’m happy for whoever it is.

I foolishly applied for a job that I didn’t have a hope in Hell of getting, and yet…

It’s been a day.

I applied anyway. Somewhere along the way I even got my hopes up. Well, so much for that. Got my flush letter today.

Admittedly, there were like, two HUNDRED other applicants. I sure as shit don’t stand out in a crowd that big. I mean, really it’s all those things they tell you not to say in the Law of Attraction scene.

Then again, if LoA was >really< working as intended- would I really be in this situation? I’m not sure. Then again, in the long list of things we’re not supposed to think about LoA, questioning whether or not it works is at the top of the list.

Supposedly, it works, I’m just not doing it right. Right? I’m not high vibe enough. I’m not eating the “right” foods. I’m not meditating enough. I’m not exercising enough. There’s one clown out there who literally said that fat people can’t attract what they want because we’re overweight. Can you believe that shit? So, yup, I’m not thinking the right thoughts, I guess.

Before anyone goes there- Race is not an issue here!

Yup. I went there. I’m probably going to suffer the slings and arrows of being called a “____ist,” or “____phobe.”

Have you seen me? Yeah. I’m an “old, ‘cishet’ white guy.” Hell, if there’s a scapegoat for almost everyone’s problems these days, it’s us. I don’t feel one bit privileged. I’m not owed anything by anyone. God doesn’t even promise me another minute on this planet. I’m truly thankful for the opportunities I have been given regardless of where they came from.

I get how other groups of people have been discriminated against for centuries due to race, gender, sexual preference, and so on; mostly by old ‘cishet’ white guys. (Still getting used to saying ‘cishet.’)

The sad part is, some of these Illuminated f@*%s are still running the planet. If I was one of them, trust me, I wouldn’t be here. Turns out I’m not down with evil- true, unimaginable, disgusting, despicable evil.

Family- I stop for squirrels in the street. Do you really think I’m big on screwing over my fellow human beings for any reason? Karma comes home to roost faster and faster in this day and age. Trust me, being kind to everyone is the least I can do.

“Get an education,” they said. “Get a degree,” they said.

Education is totally helpful, I tell ya.

Do you know where that shit got me? I live in a state where Iowa Workforce Development flat-out told us they don’t want anyone with more than a high school education right now. They want skilled laborers that can be trained to be dental hygienists and arc welders. I hear there’s also a massive shortage of truck drivers and nurses these days. I wonder why?

$60K in college loans. My fondest dream is that I someday live long enough to default on the bastards. Screw my credit rating. All college has truly done for me is get me a receipt and a pile of debt that I will literally be paying on until I die. Why did I do that to myself? Oh. Yeah. To “get a ‘better’ job.”

Lemme tell ya. All that higher education didn’t mean shit when I was stocking the tampon aisle at 3:00 in the morning. Nor did it do me any good when I was waxing floors. It’s all super worthless twenty years later now that my back and neck are completely shot and I’m in pain all day every day.

I know. Old white guy problems, right? Maybe education wasn’t the way to go. Neither is busting my ass 10-12 hours/night for people who don’t appreciate me for less than a fair wage. I can’t blame anyone who quits a job where they’re not appreciated, valued or treated well.

Let’s be real. I’m mad at me.

I’m very uncomfortable with who I am right now. I feel very inadequate, mediocre, worthless. It’s how I feel.

I fell for it. I got my hopes all up. I thought maybe I could land a remote job that paid well in an industry I am more than familiar with. My dream job is still out there waiting.

Honestly, God/Universe/Source bless whoever did end up with the position. They deserve it. It’s a great job. I’m glad they can provide abundance for their family and contribute to the economy in a meaningful way. That’s great. Seriously, I’m happy for whoever it is.

Here’s why I’m actually running the gamut of emotions tonight. I’m not getting any younger. My health is sketchy and people are anywhere from annoyed to terrified of FMLA. My mental health is sketchy to the point where I’m considered “disabled.” I have a 20+ year old minor blotch on my criminal record that was no biggie prior to 9/11. I have a 20+ year old college degree with a double major that seemingly no one will touch.

I have four kids and a wife who is busting her ass out there every day trying to teach a bunch of kids who don’t want to learn or even be in school. I live in a state where mental healthcare is among the lowest ranked in the country and declining. We’re also the worst in Covid cases on any given day. (Ha! Take that Guam! Our numbers make you guys look great!) Any day now my unemployment runs out.

My reputation in a certain former industry is tarnished to the point of unrecoverable. I have no job references. Literally no one knows me well enough to vouch for me outside of my immediate family. Depression. I can’t win. Sorry, I need to vent right now.

I’m super far behind on all projects and I may be taking a day off to spew anger at Fortnite for a day or two. I’ll be lucky if I don’t eat myself into a bloody coma. I’m just feeling down, antisocial, inadequate, and angry at myself. I’m going to soak in it for a while.

This is all according to plan, I guess?

I’m grateful for my wife. She hasn’t thrown me out yet. The kids are taken care of right now. That’s positive at least.

In the LoA circles, I’m never supposed to say, “I’m too old. I’m too stupid. I’m too fat. I’m too ____(whatever negative.)” And yet, here we are today. Maybe I am too old? Too unappealing to potential employers. I’m about to become too damn antisocial. Seriously, why would I want to be around people if I’m constantly being reminded of my inadequacies?

LoA can bite me. LoA gurus can bite me.
Dear Universe, please explain.

A true biblical scholar could tell you specifics better than I can. Somewhere it says “Creation is finished.” This translates to the notion that everything is there waiting for us to claim it. What ‘they’ don’t tell us is the way to do it properly. Wouldn’t it be a great world to live in if we didn’t have to struggle every f@#king day? Why can’t God just grant us that? No one can truly answer that in a 3D plane. We think we know, but we really don’t.

If the Universe is truly benevolent as I believe it is, this is all a learning experience and better times are on the horizon. If you made it this far, the gist is I’m trying to build myself back up. I’m tired from getting knocked on my ass by life. It doesn’t make me feel any better knowing I’m not alone.

If you’re struggling right now, I feel for you. Keep going. It’s bound to get better eventually.

This felt depressed. Might delete it later. Not sure yet if it will publish.

Take care. Stay safe. Stay hydrated. Thanks for being here. I am grateful for you.

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