Anxiety and How I Beat It Back

What’s the BEST that can happen?

Kind of a personal share today.

My chest is getting a bit tight just thinking about all this. Breathe…

I’m working on a couple of projects that I’m very excited about or at least I should be. I’m sworn to secrecy, so I can’t say what they are, but they’re very important to me. It’s also very exciting.

That’s all fine and well, but the old sinking feelings set in. I start asking all the wrong questions in my head. What if I fail? What if I miss my deadline? What if no one likes it? What if my wife gets on me for spending more time on this than housework or finding a “real” job. What if I’m successful? Ooh pressure… What if there’s criticism? See also all of my personal PTSD triggers…

If anyone needs me, I’ll be curled up under my desk.

Procrastination sets in. I start spending way more time on social media. I play Diablo 3 like it’s going out of style. I do housework until my body says “no more.” The cats are avoiding me because of too many snuggles. Time to be my own therapist for a change. None of this pattern is new to me. Time to break the cycle.

What’s the BEST that can happen?

The worst case scenario has had enough time in the limelight to last me a lifetime. I took Public Relations in college. I know how it works. But I’m done with thinking about what could go wrong. Let’s project what it looks like when things go right.

  • Use positive affirmations to build confidence back up. If nothing else, I am okay.
  • Speak it into existence with gratitude for what will happen. “I am so happy and grateful now that I am a successfully published RPG writer.”
  • Take inspired action. Don’t let those good ideas sit on the shelf.
  • “Lean into the suck.” (Thanks Laura DiBenedetto!) More on that below.
  • False Evidence Appearing Real. Let the demons go on a diet. No more fear.
  • Stay calm. Relax. Breathe. Stay present in the moment. Every now moment.
  • Get knocked down 99 times. Stand up 100 times. Failure is part of the process.
  • Do not compare oneself to the images on social media. The grass is always greener in someone else’s front yard.
  • Finally, criticism is also part of the process. Trust that it isn’t personal. Learn. Grow from it. Keep going with the knowledge that change and growth go hand in hand.

A good friend of mine once said, “Lean into the suck.”

Yes, there’s stress. But…

Yes, there’s going to be stress. It’s part of the process. Yes, there are challenges to overcome. If it were totally easy, someone else would have done it by now. Sometimes, you just have to push through all the fear, stress, concerns and challenges to come out on top in that place of gratitude. Even Elon Musk and Jeff Besos have off days and problems to solve.

Inspired action is still action and sometimes that comes with more challenges (or consequences.) I know I have to step out of my comfort zone. I have to reach for those goals. They’re not just going to happen magically while I sit on my couch and meditate. (Yay meditation, but still…)

Yeah, sometimes things are going to suck. There are setbacks. They’re not permanent. Hold my Dr Pepper. I got this.

I have to constantly remind myself I am NOT my feelings.

Sure, I have feelings. (My man card is burning. LOL!) The thing we tend to forget is that we choose our feelings. I’m not in any imminent danger of being eaten by a bear, so I can choose something besides stress.

Yeah, criticism is likely. But my editor is human. I’m still going to put my best foot forward and do my utmost to meet deadline. If it’s not perfect, we’ll figure it out together.

I am not my diagnosis of PTSD, ADHD, depression, anxiety disorder or anything else psychology labels me as having. I am capable of staying positive and present. I can do this. I’ve got this.

Thanks for bearing with me on a personal share. Sometimes I just need to put it down in words to feel my way through things. The interweb is my vision board.

I am so grateful for all of you. Be back soon.

If you’re interested in more life changing suggestions for personal growth, you can check out The Six Habits by Laura DiBenedetto. This book and its author have helped me so much these last three years.

Ticking Boxes

Everything is a learning experience.

Ever pour hand sanitizer on an open wound?
Yeah. Ouch. I’m sure someone will read this looking for something to hang me on. Good luck. Consider it sanitized for your protection. Or keep reading to harvest the fruits of your sadistic handiwork. Up to you, really.

Hurts me more than it does you, but whatever. Not like the world cared before and it probably won’t after. I try to keep things positive. But today is one of those days where I need lots of puppies, kittens, duckies, and bunnies. Lots of em…

Photo by Julissa Helmuth on Pexels.com
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com
Photo by Victor Burnside on Pexels.com
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

You can’t overdose on cute. Not for a lack of trying.

It’s also really difficult to be upset with the world when there’s soft, cuddly, adorable cuteness around. Yes, I misplaced my proverbial man card a long time ago and replaced it with pictures of fuzzy, little, yellow peepers and bunny whiskers. Sorry, macho fam. We can toss cabers, belch, fart loudly and swear like drunken sailors later.

So, I’ve been looking for a new job lately. I’ve come across this interesting form regarding “disabilities.” Now, I don’t consider myself differently abled, or at least I didn’t until more recently. Then I applied for a couple of jobs that are roundabout tied to the government. I kinda cringed because I check multiple boxes.

This is a readily available form online and through Amazon. I clipped the relevant portion here.

So, I actually qualify solidly under Fibromyalgia (check,) Depression AND Anxiety (Check-Check,) Diabetes (Check,) Gastrointestinal disorder (euww Check,) and “Psychiatric Condition” (Check because somehow ADHD often gets lumped in along with depression/bipolar disorder being on there twice.) Damned if I ain’t neuro-diverse as all get-out. Who knew? Okay, besides my doctors, therapist, cats, wife, Facebook, Instagram… and now employers. Sigh. It just gets better and better, don’t it? Without even getting into the physical crap like pain and fatigue, let’s talk about how bad the depression thing really is.

What I’m currently annoyed with is where it puts me on the scale.

Depression is mostly in the 100-150 range, sometimes lower.

No one likes being depressed. Some of us manage to reach a comfortable state of homeostasis with it through therapy and medication, sure. Personally I lean toward meditation and raising my vibration through natural means as much as possible. (It’s called laughter, okay?) I find having a strange and broad sense of humor helps. But the low end of the scale also leads one open to a state of dis-ease. Right now in this day and age, that’s a somewhat frightening proposition.

I mean, we can talk about this scientifically, too. It has been shown that depression lowers the immune system, thus ushering in other diseases. I’m already three or so checks into auto-immune issues if you tack on arthritis. Eesh.

Manifesting anything from the lower vibrations, in Law of Attraction terms is bad news when you’re in these lower states. I’m pushing as hard as I can manage every day to get to neutral. There’s no sense risking the Universe saying, “Oh, this guy loves being miserable. Here’s another big, steamy, pile of smelly crap to deal with.”

I saw this today:

It’s little alarming when I can reasonably agree with 13 our of 15. I mean, geez. That’s not good.

Luckily for me, I’ve been in this state before many times in 49 years. I saw this one coming and called my therapist. Haven’t seen her in almost six years. Things had been going pretty well. I’ve just hit a massive downturn as of late with my changing job situation and a major hit to my self esteem. After all this time, I do know what to look for.

Let’s be honest.

It’s on me, family. I’m not really blaming anyone else. Sure, there are outside stimuli and variables to consider. But in the very end, there are no victims. Everything is a reaction to those outside factors. If I seem bitter, it’s because I’ve chosen to react to something.

In the end, I hope this is a teachable moment. When you’re depressed, a lot of people try to cheer you up or tell you, “You just gotta pull yourself up be your own bootstraps.” One of my favorites, said by a so-called therapist was, “Man up and get over it.” Needless to say, I believe firmly in things that work and “just suck it up and deal” has never been one of them.

In spiritual circles, they say not knowing or admitting you don’t know is sort of a taboo. We’re supposed to be here to have experiences and remember higher states of being. We’re here as God or the the divine experiencing itself. But sometimes, I don’t know why life has to be hard. I really wonder why Source wants to experience the same awful emotional junk over and over.

I look at what I can be grateful for every single day. Hooray for affirmations. Yay meditation. Love of family and pets is a good thing. Therapy will reinforce all the above. Waiting for the outside temperature in Iowa to drop down to a reasonable level before going outside again. We’ll get there. Lastly, everything is a learning experience.

Take care, family. More to come. I’m still here. We’re due for a UFOlogy discussion again soon.

Ending on a meme. Thought it was cute.
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