Tag: #anxiety

March 19th. Freedom Day Again.

I’m working on myself today. Tiny steps. It’s not easy. Looks easy on paper, but…

Personal Share: Circling the drain.

As you may have already guessed, I’m going to get a bit vulnerable in this particular article. Not gonna lie, it’s been a rough couple of months for me. As a trusted friend pointed out, I seem to be “swirling the drain.” She’s right without knowing how dark it really has gotten. This is harder than I thought it was going to be and is probably going to turn into a whole series.

A well known Law of Attraction guru whom I have never met in person once said, “Once you overcome the fear of dying, what’s left?”

*Disclaimer: Do not taunt bears or go skydiving with lit dynamite. Also, juggling chainsaws is right out. Do not try dangerous stuff at home based on what some internet goob said. That is not what we’re talking about.*

He was poking for the obvious answer of there’s literally nothing to be afraid of. Start a new job and get fired in the first 10 minutes? Why not? Talk mad smack about the government on social media? What’s going to happen? Who cares? Become a millionaire overnight? F*ck yeah! Why be afraid?

Not trying to sell anyone’s program, just thinking out loud.

There is a very valid point about not being afraid to fail or succeed. When there’s nowhere else to go- look up. As people, one has the capability of lifting oneself up. The opposite stands true as well. Sometimes we’re our own worst enemy.

It’s better to suffer the slings and arrows of grievous misfortune than to be afraid of trying in the first place. Truly it is one of the easiest damn things ever to say. I get it. I’ve been at this for a while now with self help, LoA, and the whole spiritual awakening show. Saying is easy. Doing, on the other hand…

There’s always a choice.

This is way tougher than I thought it was going to be and I’ll definitely be continuing this conversation in future articles.

We choose our actions in any given moment. Every sentence, heck- every word is a choice. We get to set our intentions with every choice big or small. Whether it’s make a cup of coffee or move to Alaska, everything boils down to a choice. Then the real, heavy, stubborn world kicks in and reminds us that all of our actions have consequences and our decisions have far reaching ramifications sometimes. (Which is why no chainsaw juggling or moving to Alaska for me.)

Here’s where I’m struggling:

I’d like to choose that victim role every day but… My choices roundabout got me here. I can choose better. I can choose smarter. I know this now. Maybe I’ve always known and I’m just now remembering, but that’s another story.

I choose to sit on the couch wallowing in misery and self pity. I’m choosing to be effectively crippled by self doubt and anxiety. I’ve chosen to let depression basically kick my ass all over the place.

Fear and anxiety (which is like, more fear) have basically been holding me back for a few months now. Today I’m choosing to start taking those very small steps toward recovery. My physical condition might still slow me down for now, but I’m going to get my mental, emotional and spiritual health in order.

Tiny steps. “Lean into the suck.”

The same wonderful friend that leveled with me about swirling the drain once said to “Lean into the suck.” I have always loved that phrase because it describes walking home in January Iowa weather perfectly. I literally used to walk or bike everywhere all year round.

It’s true of life, too. Sometimes things get bumpy. Those consequences and ramifications come back around like an exploding boomerang. The solution is to just keep on plowing through it all. It’s tough going, but no one is expecting everything to be done overnight.

I’m taking some pretty small steps. I’m choosing to improve my situation as opposed to choosing to binge on another Netflix series. Today I finish one more project on my to-do list than I did yesterday. One small step forward every day. One small victory building toward the next and so on.

I may not get it all figured out by the 19th of April, but I’m choosing to keep going. I’m determined to move toward abundance and away from lack. I’m determined not to become a permanent resident of my couch. I’m resolute that anxiety and depression do not own me. I intend to take more chances and try new things.

Thanks for being here on this journey with me. More to come on this topic. Take care. Have a lovely weekend.

Revisions Revisions Revisions

I was having some anxiety again until my loving wife set me straight.

Blog articles are much easier than writing almost anything else.

Photo by Pedro Figueras on Pexels.com

Why? Because if it’s my personal blog, I don’t obsess over every word. I laugh when I see these articles about charging what you’re worth and taking on too many clients. I honestly wonder how anyone does it. Rarely do I receive a straight answer.

I’m super picky about everything I write “professionally.” Like, I agonize when writing adventures. Has this been done before? Is it too cliché’? Are they going to like it? Is it original enough? Would I buy this?

I’m now on a second or third draft of one that I’m working on and ready to go to another story entirely. It’s amazing how many times I’m willing to think and overthink something and still end up changing my mind entirely. But I want everything to be just so if it’s going to represent me in publication. Not to mention I’m super jumpy about criticism after my last job. (Flunked a test for PTSD. That bad.)

My therapist says I have perfectionist and people-pleasing tendencies. LOL! Only all my life. Some people say I’m high strung and have a huge ego. Maybe? But if you knew what a cruel, rotten bastard my inner critic is, you’d get why I might appear high strung.

Stress compounds everything. Looming deadlines, sick kids, sick wife, and sick me don’t help matters. My car needs an oil change. It’s umpteen below zero in Iowa right now. Unemployment is running out. Funniest part is, I brought this on myself to a certain degree.

My wife gave me the best piece of advice ever.

Do you know what she said?

“Just do the damn thing and turn it in!”

After a little more discourse, I decided she’s right. Either my editor will like it or they won’t. It’s either going to sell or it’s not. Regardless of how it pans out, I’m going to survive and grow.

Until next time, stay safe. Please drink lots of fluids, get some rest, and eat your vegetables. Game on.

Anxiety and How I Beat It Back

What’s the BEST that can happen?

Kind of a personal share today.

My chest is getting a bit tight just thinking about all this. Breathe…

I’m working on a couple of projects that I’m very excited about or at least I should be. I’m sworn to secrecy, so I can’t say what they are, but they’re very important to me. It’s also very exciting.

That’s all fine and well, but the old sinking feelings set in. I start asking all the wrong questions in my head. What if I fail? What if I miss my deadline? What if no one likes it? What if my wife gets on me for spending more time on this than housework or finding a “real” job. What if I’m successful? Ooh pressure… What if there’s criticism? See also all of my personal PTSD triggers…

If anyone needs me, I’ll be curled up under my desk.

Procrastination sets in. I start spending way more time on social media. I play Diablo 3 like it’s going out of style. I do housework until my body says “no more.” The cats are avoiding me because of too many snuggles. Time to be my own therapist for a change. None of this pattern is new to me. Time to break the cycle.

What’s the BEST that can happen?

The worst case scenario has had enough time in the limelight to last me a lifetime. I took Public Relations in college. I know how it works. But I’m done with thinking about what could go wrong. Let’s project what it looks like when things go right.

  • Use positive affirmations to build confidence back up. If nothing else, I am okay.
  • Speak it into existence with gratitude for what will happen. “I am so happy and grateful now that I am a successfully published RPG writer.”
  • Take inspired action. Don’t let those good ideas sit on the shelf.
  • “Lean into the suck.” (Thanks Laura DiBenedetto!) More on that below.
  • False Evidence Appearing Real. Let the demons go on a diet. No more fear.
  • Stay calm. Relax. Breathe. Stay present in the moment. Every now moment.
  • Get knocked down 99 times. Stand up 100 times. Failure is part of the process.
  • Do not compare oneself to the images on social media. The grass is always greener in someone else’s front yard.
  • Finally, criticism is also part of the process. Trust that it isn’t personal. Learn. Grow from it. Keep going with the knowledge that change and growth go hand in hand.

A good friend of mine once said, “Lean into the suck.”

Yes, there’s stress. But…

Yes, there’s going to be stress. It’s part of the process. Yes, there are challenges to overcome. If it were totally easy, someone else would have done it by now. Sometimes, you just have to push through all the fear, stress, concerns and challenges to come out on top in that place of gratitude. Even Elon Musk and Jeff Besos have off days and problems to solve.

Inspired action is still action and sometimes that comes with more challenges (or consequences.) I know I have to step out of my comfort zone. I have to reach for those goals. They’re not just going to happen magically while I sit on my couch and meditate. (Yay meditation, but still…)

Yeah, sometimes things are going to suck. There are setbacks. They’re not permanent. Hold my Dr Pepper. I got this.

I have to constantly remind myself I am NOT my feelings.

Sure, I have feelings. (My man card is burning. LOL!) The thing we tend to forget is that we choose our feelings. I’m not in any imminent danger of being eaten by a bear, so I can choose something besides stress.

Yeah, criticism is likely. But my editor is human. I’m still going to put my best foot forward and do my utmost to meet deadline. If it’s not perfect, we’ll figure it out together.

I am not my diagnosis of PTSD, ADHD, depression, anxiety disorder or anything else psychology labels me as having. I am capable of staying positive and present. I can do this. I’ve got this.

Thanks for bearing with me on a personal share. Sometimes I just need to put it down in words to feel my way through things. The interweb is my vision board.

I am so grateful for all of you. Be back soon.

If you’re interested in more life changing suggestions for personal growth, you can check out The Six Habits by Laura DiBenedetto. This book and its author have helped me so much these last three years.

Ticking Boxes

Everything is a learning experience.

Ever pour hand sanitizer on an open wound?
Yeah. Ouch. I’m sure someone will read this looking for something to hang me on. Good luck. Consider it sanitized for your protection. Or keep reading to harvest the fruits of your sadistic handiwork. Up to you, really.

Hurts me more than it does you, but whatever. Not like the world cared before and it probably won’t after. I try to keep things positive. But today is one of those days where I need lots of puppies, kittens, duckies, and bunnies. Lots of em…

Photo by Julissa Helmuth on Pexels.com
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com
Photo by Victor Burnside on Pexels.com
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

You can’t overdose on cute. Not for a lack of trying.

It’s also really difficult to be upset with the world when there’s soft, cuddly, adorable cuteness around. Yes, I misplaced my proverbial man card a long time ago and replaced it with pictures of fuzzy, little, yellow peepers and bunny whiskers. Sorry, macho fam. We can toss cabers, belch, fart loudly and swear like drunken sailors later.

So, I’ve been looking for a new job lately. I’ve come across this interesting form regarding “disabilities.” Now, I don’t consider myself differently abled, or at least I didn’t until more recently. Then I applied for a couple of jobs that are roundabout tied to the government. I kinda cringed because I check multiple boxes.

This is a readily available form online and through Amazon. I clipped the relevant portion here.

So, I actually qualify solidly under Fibromyalgia (check,) Depression AND Anxiety (Check-Check,) Diabetes (Check,) Gastrointestinal disorder (euww Check,) and “Psychiatric Condition” (Check because somehow ADHD often gets lumped in along with depression/bipolar disorder being on there twice.) Damned if I ain’t neuro-diverse as all get-out. Who knew? Okay, besides my doctors, therapist, cats, wife, Facebook, Instagram… and now employers. Sigh. It just gets better and better, don’t it? Without even getting into the physical crap like pain and fatigue, let’s talk about how bad the depression thing really is.

What I’m currently annoyed with is where it puts me on the scale.

Depression is mostly in the 100-150 range, sometimes lower.

No one likes being depressed. Some of us manage to reach a comfortable state of homeostasis with it through therapy and medication, sure. Personally I lean toward meditation and raising my vibration through natural means as much as possible. (It’s called laughter, okay?) I find having a strange and broad sense of humor helps. But the low end of the scale also leads one open to a state of dis-ease. Right now in this day and age, that’s a somewhat frightening proposition.

I mean, we can talk about this scientifically, too. It has been shown that depression lowers the immune system, thus ushering in other diseases. I’m already three or so checks into auto-immune issues if you tack on arthritis. Eesh.

Manifesting anything from the lower vibrations, in Law of Attraction terms is bad news when you’re in these lower states. I’m pushing as hard as I can manage every day to get to neutral. There’s no sense risking the Universe saying, “Oh, this guy loves being miserable. Here’s another big, steamy, pile of smelly crap to deal with.”

I saw this today:

It’s little alarming when I can reasonably agree with 13 our of 15. I mean, geez. That’s not good.

Luckily for me, I’ve been in this state before many times in 49 years. I saw this one coming and called my therapist. Haven’t seen her in almost six years. Things had been going pretty well. I’ve just hit a massive downturn as of late with my changing job situation and a major hit to my self esteem. After all this time, I do know what to look for.

Let’s be honest.

It’s on me, family. I’m not really blaming anyone else. Sure, there are outside stimuli and variables to consider. But in the very end, there are no victims. Everything is a reaction to those outside factors. If I seem bitter, it’s because I’ve chosen to react to something.

In the end, I hope this is a teachable moment. When you’re depressed, a lot of people try to cheer you up or tell you, “You just gotta pull yourself up be your own bootstraps.” One of my favorites, said by a so-called therapist was, “Man up and get over it.” Needless to say, I believe firmly in things that work and “just suck it up and deal” has never been one of them.

In spiritual circles, they say not knowing or admitting you don’t know is sort of a taboo. We’re supposed to be here to have experiences and remember higher states of being. We’re here as God or the the divine experiencing itself. But sometimes, I don’t know why life has to be hard. I really wonder why Source wants to experience the same awful emotional junk over and over.

I look at what I can be grateful for every single day. Hooray for affirmations. Yay meditation. Love of family and pets is a good thing. Therapy will reinforce all the above. Waiting for the outside temperature in Iowa to drop down to a reasonable level before going outside again. We’ll get there. Lastly, everything is a learning experience.

Take care, family. More to come. I’m still here. We’re due for a UFOlogy discussion again soon.

Ending on a meme. Thought it was cute.
%d bloggers like this: