Anxiety and How I Beat It Back

What’s the BEST that can happen?

Kind of a personal share today.

My chest is getting a bit tight just thinking about all this. Breathe…

I’m working on a couple of projects that I’m very excited about or at least I should be. I’m sworn to secrecy, so I can’t say what they are, but they’re very important to me. It’s also very exciting.

That’s all fine and well, but the old sinking feelings set in. I start asking all the wrong questions in my head. What if I fail? What if I miss my deadline? What if no one likes it? What if my wife gets on me for spending more time on this than housework or finding a “real” job. What if I’m successful? Ooh pressure… What if there’s criticism? See also all of my personal PTSD triggers…

If anyone needs me, I’ll be curled up under my desk.

Procrastination sets in. I start spending way more time on social media. I play Diablo 3 like it’s going out of style. I do housework until my body says “no more.” The cats are avoiding me because of too many snuggles. Time to be my own therapist for a change. None of this pattern is new to me. Time to break the cycle.

What’s the BEST that can happen?

The worst case scenario has had enough time in the limelight to last me a lifetime. I took Public Relations in college. I know how it works. But I’m done with thinking about what could go wrong. Let’s project what it looks like when things go right.

  • Use positive affirmations to build confidence back up. If nothing else, I am okay.
  • Speak it into existence with gratitude for what will happen. “I am so happy and grateful now that I am a successfully published RPG writer.”
  • Take inspired action. Don’t let those good ideas sit on the shelf.
  • “Lean into the suck.” (Thanks Laura DiBenedetto!) More on that below.
  • False Evidence Appearing Real. Let the demons go on a diet. No more fear.
  • Stay calm. Relax. Breathe. Stay present in the moment. Every now moment.
  • Get knocked down 99 times. Stand up 100 times. Failure is part of the process.
  • Do not compare oneself to the images on social media. The grass is always greener in someone else’s front yard.
  • Finally, criticism is also part of the process. Trust that it isn’t personal. Learn. Grow from it. Keep going with the knowledge that change and growth go hand in hand.

A good friend of mine once said, “Lean into the suck.”

Yes, there’s stress. But…

Yes, there’s going to be stress. It’s part of the process. Yes, there are challenges to overcome. If it were totally easy, someone else would have done it by now. Sometimes, you just have to push through all the fear, stress, concerns and challenges to come out on top in that place of gratitude. Even Elon Musk and Jeff Besos have off days and problems to solve.

Inspired action is still action and sometimes that comes with more challenges (or consequences.) I know I have to step out of my comfort zone. I have to reach for those goals. They’re not just going to happen magically while I sit on my couch and meditate. (Yay meditation, but still…)

Yeah, sometimes things are going to suck. There are setbacks. They’re not permanent. Hold my Dr Pepper. I got this.

I have to constantly remind myself I am NOT my feelings.

Sure, I have feelings. (My man card is burning. LOL!) The thing we tend to forget is that we choose our feelings. I’m not in any imminent danger of being eaten by a bear, so I can choose something besides stress.

Yeah, criticism is likely. But my editor is human. I’m still going to put my best foot forward and do my utmost to meet deadline. If it’s not perfect, we’ll figure it out together.

I am not my diagnosis of PTSD, ADHD, depression, anxiety disorder or anything else psychology labels me as having. I am capable of staying positive and present. I can do this. I’ve got this.

Thanks for bearing with me on a personal share. Sometimes I just need to put it down in words to feel my way through things. The interweb is my vision board.

I am so grateful for all of you. Be back soon.

If you’re interested in more life changing suggestions for personal growth, you can check out The Six Habits by Laura DiBenedetto. This book and its author have helped me so much these last three years.

Two Days of Working from Home!

I just spent night number two of working from home. I love it! I’m not sure if it will last, but it would be pretty cool if it does.

Admittedly, one of the days at home was because someone at the office caught the Icky Cough-Coughs. My oldest decided to give the thing a Doc McStuffins name. I’ve adopted that term. I hope whomever got ill recovers quickly.

If there has been an upside to this plandemic, it has taught me that working from home is so much more preferable to working in the office. It has definitely approved my meager attendance. It’s a lot easier when I’m in pain to crawl across my basement and log in than drag myself to the car and shlep all my gear around the building into the office.

I AM so happy and grateful now that I am my own boss. And that is my affirmation today. Well, every day, really. It’s most assuredly manifesting.

Feelin boss today!

I AM my own best boss and favourite employee. Another affirmation that adorns my vision board and my affirmations list. This is part of the Acceptance piece of The Six Habits. I can’t recommend it enough. It’s also a pretty big component to LoA, or more specifically, the Law of Vibration.

Acceptance is a key Habit.

For those who might not be familiar yet, feeling, or even being in the moment as if you were is the Secret. I’m learning a lot of LoA hinges on mindset, fairly high vibration, and living in the moment. Not trying to brag, but my last couple of days have been pretty phenomenal. I hope yours have, too.

The best part is, feelings don’t cost anything. You can be in a great mood for absolutely free. And money can’t buy happiness, but it can sure as heck buy a lot of things that make me happy. Happy my family is taken care-of, happy to be reading, happy to be watching, happy to be traveling… the list goes on for about ever. So why not be happy now?

Have a beautiful now moment all day.

Presence Today

Pets are pros at Presence. Ever just sit and stare at your pet or pet your animal for a long time?

I choose to talk about Presence today. It is one of the Six Habits in Laura DiBenedetto’s book, The Six Habits. If you want to know more about it and would like to read the book, the link for it on Amazon is here: The Six Habits. The audio just came out too, by the way.

Presence is in short, all about mindful presence. Can you be in the room and be fully focused on what is going on in the room? It’s not as easy as one might imagine, especially in these modern times when we have numerous distractions- TV, radio, and the biggest attention-sucker ever- smart phones.

THE SIX HABITS by Laura DiBenedetto
Practical Tools for Bringing Your Dreams to Life.

Then there are the internal distractions. How often do you catch yourself thinking, “I wish I was anywhere but here?” Or my favorite, “I wish I was home right now,” while I’m at work. Sometimes, my mind wanders about 200 miles northwest of my current location, in a nice forested area, with a lake and a view of the mountains, within driving distance of the Pacific Ocean…

But the catch is, can you bring yourself back? Can you be fully on top of your game at work? Can you listen to the kids telling you about some video game character or a YouTuber they’ve discovered? Sometimes it’s hard. My email, especially ads from dice companies, is way more interesting than either thing I just mentioned.

My favorite example was the other day at a restaurant. This woman was at the table across from us with her family of six. My kids know, and my wife is usually aware of the rule, phones get put away at the dinner table. My guess is, the nice lady across from us did not have that rule at her house, or that phone call must’ve been pretty important.

Meanwhile, her husband was trying to wrangle the kids, all of whom were probably 10 and under, squirrelly as most kids are, and wiggling, wriggling and monkeying around as most kids do. The guy looked absolutely miserable. That phone call lasted most of the meal. I’d probably have said something had she been my wife, but… Hopefully they sorted that out afterwards.

Husky pup. Much more adorable than an Excel spreadsheet. I mean, seriously. Please email me for photo credit..

My other example, and this one is purely on me, is work. You think Instagram is far more amusing than my job? Spreadsheets and boring emails vs cute pictures of husky pups, kittens, bunnies, spiritual stuff, conspiracy stuff, and so on… I can get distracted very easily. The trick is coming back to the present moment.

How much more productive am I when I’m fully present? It’s pretty shocking how much I can really get done when I have my eye on the metaphorical ball. Would I rather be blogging? Yeah. Or really doing anything besides pouring over line upon line of dispatches and crunching numbers. UFOs, ETs, and things coming and going from other dimensions are way more entertaining to talk about.

Here’s the best part. Coming back to joy. I mean, if I’m more productive at work, maybe I finally get promoted or a pay increase. That keeps the family happy, right? And failing that, I get all of my actual work done and can dip out for a few and look at the latest dice offers in my personal email. Or, I can get everything set for the night and keep an eye open for driver requests while I write a blog article. Tee heehee. (Not that I ever do that.)

The same is very true at home. If I’m fully centered on my family and listening to them, I hear about their day at school. I hear about how my wife’s work went. (Yeah… the Co-la-ro-lala-nala-vir-usla is a very ugly topic here with teachers in Iowa right now…) I get to actually enjoy dropping some advice or bringing the topic around to something more interesting. Although my family’s thoughts about the Ninth Dimensional Arcturian Council are for another post. But it’s nice being a husband and a dad when life throws me a chance to be both. And there’s plenty of time to hang with the cats and write blog articles afterward. (Grin.)

Have a beautiful now moment.

Photo by James Wheeler on Pexels.com

Self Care

My health has to come first.

Today I chose to make self care a priority in my life. I didn’t sleep very well. I’ll confess there’s a bit of stress in my life around my job, try though I might not to admit it. And that leads to, (drum roll please-) a pain flare. So, upon waking up for my alarm today, I called in sick instead of going to work.

Bitmoji of me low on health
Low on Health

What I didn’t know, until I called work, was that I was not the only one. Apparently two out of the six of us had already called in. Can’t really say I blame them. In fact, I think there is zero blame here. I don’t know why they called in, but I can honestly say my body chose rest and self care.

Kindness is one of The Six Habits mentioned in the book by Laura DiBenedetto. Kindness to others, sure. But kindness to yourself is key. And, well, this was definitely a good cause for that tonight. When I wake up feeling like I’ve been beaten soundly with a sack of hammers one at a time, it’s time to take a sick day. It’s me saying I have to take my health seriously.

This was the case before we started working these crazy 12 hour shifts four nights in a row. It’s only exacerbated by the need to use FMLA because I’m out of sick time that much faster. It’s unfortunate for the company.

The sad part, on a tangent, is I’ve offered to work from home. But for whatever reason that’s not good enough for them. I have a desk job. If all I had to do was crawl across my basement (almost literally,) and log into my compy from home? My attendance would skyrocket! I’d be nigh onto employee of the month in terms of attendance. But, alas…

Photo by Musa Ortau00e7 on Pexels.com
Not me, but you get the idea.

My health has to come first. Years ago, I would have been so hell-bent on taking care of my family, I would have tromped in there, pain be damned. Ironically, those were the days I really wrecked my health, especially my back, in my quest to become super dad/husband. No regrets, really. I’ve forgiven myself for all that happened and accepted everything happens for a reason. I chose to have that experience and I am grateful for it. (Yes, I said I’m grateful for the days I feel like I punched it out with Tyson, Ali, and Foreman in no particular order.)

And then for added strife, my supervisor more or less bit my face off when I called in. I empathize that he was having a rough day by his own admission, but still, he was pretty rude. I get kindness to others, acceptance, and mindful understanding. His comments and behaviour are on him. I’m never in charge of someone else’s feelings, only my own. And, I’m not letting it get to me per se, but there was definitely a time I would have. I’ve been processing it in my mind all night, but maybe not for the reason one might imagine.

I know I love me. As arrogant as it sounds, it’s true. I hope everyone says the same about themselves. I don’t expect everyone to understand that. And I feel somewhat bad that the guys had to work a shift with half the manpower. But again, not really and not for the reason one might imagine.

Here is my reason and affirmation: I AM Worthy of being treated well. Any person or company that would expect me to put my well-being aside so they can “optimize their profits” (or whatever other corporate gibberish they want to cook up,) really doesn’t deserve to have me. Again, not trying to be a jerk, just honest. It has taken me many, many years to learn this lesson.

Now, would I do this if I were working for myself? Absolutely! The major difference is, as my own boss, I’d totally let me work from home. Same with anyone working for me as long as they are able to work from home. And if not? Yes. Take care of yourself.

SO, in conclusion, I’m not intending to complain about my health or my job. I’m pretty well over both. I accept my strengths and limitations. But I am 100% ready to move forward with my life.

Intentions are being set. Vision boards created. And I am living the dream fulfilled in the now moment. 2020 is the year of change. This is going to be the year I started knocking things out of the park.

Namaste and publius.

My First Retraction (On Here.)

Wow! I can’t believe it. I have completely and severely underestimated some people. I’m quite shocked. I truly want to apologize.

In an earlier post, I made the very ignorant mistake of saying, “Nobody ever reads my blog anyway.” I know better. I should have known better at the time. And I stand completely humbled by the outpouring of love and respect I have received since.

Yes, there is a delete button on my computer and even an edit function on WordPress. But I’m leaving it for now. I want to remember where I was when I said it. I was cheezed off at pretty much everything in 3D life. Period. And I was triggered by a 3D event, one that I am still contending with.

So, that all said- I sincerely apologize to any/all I may have offended when I said, “Nobody ever reads my blog.” I was wrong. I should not have said that. Please forgive me. I love you all. Thank you all. I am truly grateful for your presence.

If you’re new here. Welcome. Be aware that occasionally my foot is magnetically attracted to my proverbial mouth. Once you get to know me, you’ll understand it’s just something I do from time-to-time.

That having been said, I am not a victim. We all have free will and choices to make. I chose a path I am not comfortable with in this now moment. I release it with love and light. I choose to be more considerate of my readers going forward.

Victim? What did I say? I mean I am not a victim to the circumstance which led to me blurting out something in anger. I chose my employer. I choose to stay employed (for now.) I chose to write about it before I had a chance to really calm down. Every moment is a choice, family.

Choose joy. Choose love. Choose goodness. Choose kindness. Choose acceptance. Because right now the world seriously needs all of them.

Sometimes we get caught up in the moment. We react in anger, fear, sadness or frustration. It just takes a moment of mindfulness and calm to bring it back around. Sometimes it’s better to excuse oneself from the conversation and take ten minutes to really reconnect with mindfulness before making a wholly regrettable decision.

Until the next now moment we are together, In Love and Light.

Gratitude for the Storm

I AM GRATEFUL FOR: The dedicated people who worked super hard to clean up this mess. Having refrigeration. An opportunity to clean out my fridge. Air conditioning. Trees. Wind. Rain. Fresh Salads. Warm Pizza. Popcorn. Time with the kids. Having everyone safe after a weather disaster. Having a car that runs. Being able to charge all of our various electronics. A chance to get my wiring projects caught up in the house. (Power was out, so may as well, right?) Cold beverages.

I apologize for having to take a couple of days off. We had some really severe storms roll across the state of Iowa three days ago that wiped out our electricity until a few short hours ago. This whole near-disaster was a lesson in gratitude, appreciation, acceptance and love. Oddly enough, I’m actually happier tonight than I was before this thing hit.

Another thing that belayed my posting is my bosses were “sitting in” with us. All it really meant was a lot of long, very boring meetings about the stock market and why we should watch it. Which is hilariously pointless given I work overnight and it has absosmurfly nothing to do with our jobs. And even more ironic given that they’ve already said they’re cutting our jobs. I think they’re just trying to figure out which ones they want to keep. (Like it’s not already bloody obvious?) Again, I’m just laughing at the whole stupid thing. But in the interest of decorum, I tried to stay somewhat present and not post from work.

So, two nights of working with the clown and pony show followed by two days of coming home and trying to sleep with no air conditioning. I stayed surprisingly calm and centered through the whole experience. Our power came back on and my family was super excited. I’m just as calm as I was when it went off. Why?

Again, I’ve been practicing Presence. It’s one of the Six Habits created by Laura DiBenedetto. I know I shamelessly plug the book and the program a lot, but it has done wonders for my state of mind and spiritual well-being. This latest disaster is another example. I’ve really been digging back into my habits lately.

The other morning I noticed how quiet it was. Now, my neighbor’s genny ran non-stop, plus all the chainsaws and traffic out there along with the occasional police/fire sirens. How is this quiet?

Simple. No TV, no Internet, no phone (trying to save on the battery,) and the kids weren’t all up yet. I would bet 200 years ago, this site I’m living on would have been beyond peaceful. As it is now, just listening out the window is pure joy. Even tonight as I listen to traffic and crickets. It’s easy listening for the quiet mind.

I want to end this post with a gratitude list. I won’t go into all 25, but just the highlights I have realized over the last few days.

I AM GRATEFUL FOR: The dedicated people who worked super hard to clean up this mess. Having refrigeration. An opportunity to clean out my fridge. Air conditioning. Trees. Wind. Rain. Fresh Salads. Warm Pizza. Popcorn. Time with the kids. Having everyone safe after a weather disaster. Having a car that runs. Being able to charge all of our various electronics. A chance to get my wiring projects caught up in the house. (Power was out, so may as well, right?) Cold beverages. Last for now, Gaia. And God.

As I’ve been saying, Gaia smacked us and God saved us. That’s pretty much what happened. But the greatest gift from ALL of it, are the lessons learned and gifts we can appreciate. So, thank you, Universe, for again showing us all the marvelous experiences we can have here on Earth. Thank you!

%d bloggers like this: