Tonight’s theme is: Tough introspection on my part.
So, I’m sitting here playing my 900th+ match on Fortnite tonight and I started thinking. What kind of legacy am I leaving behind? I mean, they don’t have to carve my bearded face into a stone somewhere. I’ve never been big on glory and prestige or popularity. But, what do I want to be remembered for.
Sound like a mid-life crisis?
Yeah, kinda does. In my defense, I do turn 50 next year. Not sure I expected to make it this far. I mean, yay! But at the same time I’m wondering what the last 50 years truly netted me. I’ve had some pretty epic, killer matches in video games going back all the way to the Atari 2600. Yeah… Combat, Pac-Man, and Dig-Dug. I put in a lot of hours on some of those games. Yars Revenge, too. There was a game…
The Basic Nintendo Entertainment System is still one of my all time favorite gaming platforms. I think I played Top Gun, Double Dragon 1,2, and 3 until I beat them and could practically do it in my sleep. There was this really sweet, sweet game called Conflict that I was super pro at. By current graphics standards, these games are all weak sauce now, though.
PC games became my jam in college. I played Mechwarrior, Unreal Tournament, Doom, all of the Dungeons & Dragons content I could find, Command & Conquer (all up until Red Alert 2 or 3, (I think?) Jagged Alliance 2, Squad Leader, and the best of all- World of Warcraft. I played WoW until my arthritis started acting up. Lots of amazing years and fun characters in that game. I still have fond memories.
Alas, I gave most of it up when I became more serious about my spiritual path.
I would like to say I moved on, but not entirely. I still squeeze in an appearance on Heroes of the Storm occasionally. I started playing Fortnite as a way to bond with my kids. They like to watch those YouTubers who scream and yell at the camera all the time. The game is super easy for us old Unreal Tournament guys. We get to spend some time together and it’s fun. I also get to vent some aggression without anyone getting hurt in the real world.
The one thing I will say has changed is I no longer play super obsessively like I did in the good old WoW days. No joke, I went through about seven or eight years where all I did was eat, sleep, work, and play WoW. Sound familiar? It sunk in one summer night after I watched Dr Steven Greer’s Unacknowledged. Where was I going?
Where am I going?
Again, I’m not out to be a name in every other household around the world, fun though that would be. But I started to realize there had to be more to life than just eat, sleep, work, raise kids and play video games. It started to look like a slow trudge toward the grave, and I’ve never been a fan of that.
That’s when I started to realize that video games are my particular drug of choice when it comes to distracting myself and seriously procrastinating. After some therapy and learning about the wonders of the Law of Attraction, I figured out that video games were preventing all of that “shadow work” and keeping me stuck in old paradigms on top of being a distraction and a means of procrastination. It’s what I do when the anxiety and depression really kick in.
So while I don’t have my whole spiritual mission mapped out and I’m certainly no millionaire LoA guru yet, some of the various puzzle pieces of life are falling into place. Yes, I can still play a round or two of something now and then without blowing a pile of money or losing hours of productivity. It’s a simple matter of moderation and that’s a good life lesson for all the kids, YouTubers and just people out there. If I feel like I’m spending too much time in video game land, I put the controller down.
“If you were going to be rich, you’d have done it by now.” – My mentor.
I would take a real bullet for the beautiful, talented, amazing, inspiring person who said this to me. But also, that particular comment still makes me want to crawl in a hole and die. As intensely dualistic as it is, I’m glad she said it. It’s the truth and we should never, ever demand a retraction for something that is legitimate truth.
I hear it a LOT in LoA and entrepreneurship circles. They say you should spend every waking hour of the day on the grind of either self-improvement or pursuing all of your super serious intentions. Is it true? Well, I’ll say it never hurt anyone. Or does it?
Where’s the joy in constantly having your nose in a book or hustling for that almighty dollar all the time? How much fun are you having when you bury yourself in perpetually trying to one-up your perceived competition or hitting the next benchmark? Sure, who doesn’t want to be rich? Yay hustle and grind. Here’s my “but:” Why should a bunch of screaming YouTubers who play Minecraft and Fortnite non-stop for days get to have all the fun and my kids’ undivided attention? Who’s to say self-improvement can’t become someone’s narcotic of choice, a haven for burying one’s feelings?
Their way isn’t necessarily my way.
*Note, I’m going to name drop a bunch of folks here. Please go look them up on YouTube if you haven’t seen them already.
I admire Aaron Doughty, Jake Ducey, and even Master Sri Akarshana beyond words. They’ve worked hard in their respective LoA niches and have risen to staggering heights of wealth and prestige in the spiritual and LoA communities. I would love to have a sit-down with Jake Ducey some time. He’s one of my real heroes.
They’ve worked hard on themselves, meditated, prayed, and built empires. I might not always agree with Master Akarshana’s style or tactics, but I admire anyone who straight up attracted a Lamborghini and has businesses running in the thousands if not millions. Obviously he didn’t make all that by playing WoW nonstop to level cap every time a new expansion came out.
However, their way isn’t my way. Sure, I like to live in the feeling of the dream fulfilled. I like to tend to business and work hard, but I also do kick back and have some fun with the kids now and then. I also find writing quite therapeutic, especially these days. I still meditate about once per day. I’d do the same thing if I was Eckhart Tolle or Teal Swan. (Although I might not look as good as Teal. Lol!) My point is, I affirm and believe that I’m on my way up. I may be pulling an Abraham Hicks at the rate I’m going- retired and attracting more and more joy into my life. But that’s another story entirely.
They say before enlightenment you chop wood and haul water. After enlightenment you chop wood and haul water. I figure being a millionaire is much the same, just different trappings. You still have to work, but the paradigm and the type of work shifts dramatically.
My kids like to watch Preston Playz, Unspeakable Gaming and Ssundee on a pretty much daily basis. I hear names like Dream and SniperWolf getting thrown around a lot, too. These folks on YouTube make buckets upon buckets of money and have millions of subscribers. I can admire that. Some of these folks don’t just yell at the mic and play video games all day, either. They give away boatloads of cash and help build businesses and they’re all fairly young. I admire that, but again, it’s not really my jam. I’m a player, not a code guy. I can’t make the next Super Nuke Thrower Bow in Minecraft. I’m not God’s gift to Fortnite.
I pry myself away from the PC and the console occasionally and do other things. Hooray for doing what you enjoy for a living. I love that they do it. But again, I wonder what else goes on in their day. Are they really enjoying life and all the money/prestige? I know 2020 was a good year for certain YouTubers. Yay. But I wonder what life is like outside of the box? Are they fulfilled? Where’s the joy? What are they leaving behind for their kids?
Where does that leave me?
This blog will be around for a while yet. That’s a good start. I have a TON of ideas I’d like to develop once I have some funds rolling in. I’m perpetually learning and improving myself, just not obsessively. I’m really loving life, trying to keep my vibration high within reason, and looking for new opportunities whenever I can. Yes, I do some of my more grindy thinking when I’m immersed in Heroes of the Storm for 20 minutes or playing solo on Fortnite.
Tabletop Role Playing Games are sort of my side hustle. I would love to be the next Gary Gygax or even Matt Mercer. That having been said, I’ve got a TON of ideas. I know how to format, edit, write and create game mechanics that work. Characters are no problem. Art on the other hand… We have challenges to overcome in terms of art.
Have a great week. Keep on doing what lights you up. Keep your vibration way high. Take care. Publius.