All in all, I’m grateful for every last one of my readers. I think the days and months ahead are going to be filled with positivity and new experiences. My mind goes to that time when I’m living my best life, doing what I love, and supporting everyone I care so much about.
We made it this far.
This post is probably going to be pretty short given the issues I seem to be having with WordPress these days. Since last we left our hero (?) I was struggling with a serious fear of inadequacy on multiple levels, and anxiety on just about every level. Depression, too. I’ve had my SSDI hearing. New opportunities to further my dream of having a game design/writing career have sprouted up.
I’ve been working with this blog for over a year, but due to a hiccup last year, my first cycle stopped at 100 and then skipped a day. I’m not trying to brag. I’m just marveling over the fact we’ve made it this far together.
Welcome if you’re new. Thank you if you’re a regular.
My SSDI experiences have taught me a couple of things. One is that I’m pretty messed up over a year and a half out of work. Those guys did a number on my mental health on top of everything else. It’s a tough climb getting that back and I’m not there yet. Of course I’m not allowed to say who, what, or even how due to various NDAs and stuff. (Groan.)
This blog is one of my last bastions of sanity on top of being a growing source of TTRPG news and opinions. I do a little bit of everything here. It’s like having my brain backed up on a server somewhere. Plus it keeps me sane. (*Really.)
Two possibilities coming up that should be exciting.
First, the TTRPG setting Urban Arcana is getting a reboot. I’m working on 200 word submission pitches until I find a good one. That’s been a lot of fun so far.
Second is the one I have a bit more trepidation about. I’ve been talking about it the last couple of days. The RPG Superstar 2023 contest has started. I’m going to give it 100% I’m obsessing over possible monsters until I have three that I think are perfect to submit. I’ve come up with some pretty bizarre stuff so far.
Fun things on the horizon.
My 13 year old has a swim meet coming up in a couple of weeks that should prove to be a lot of fun. More on that when we get back from it. It will give me a chance to do some wandering around in one of my favorite places. (*Even though it forces me to people. Ick.)
I met a guy on Twitter from my old stomping grounds in Boone. We might get together one of these days and roll some dice. It’s interesting finding locals that are actually willing to hang out. (*Assuming I don’t have a panic attack? 😅)
It’s also concert season, the start of Little League, soccer, and even more swimming. We’re going to be running our butts off as a family for about the next three or four months. Luckily, I’m around to prep meals and drive kids to practice every evening.
A couple of quick housekeeping notes before I go.
My plans for building adventures in the GI Joe TTRPG, Operation White Box, and Transformers are on hold for the foreseeable future. My efforts to build some Cypher System and Pathfinder material are being stepped up. Trying not to let my ADHD pull me off of too many tasks and put me on others, but it’s a struggle sometimes.
All in all, I’m grateful for every last one of my readers. I think the days and months ahead are going to be filled with positivity and new experiences. My mind goes to that time when I’m living my best life, doing what I love, and supporting everyone I care so much about.
Take care. Thanks for being here. I appreciate you!
So, here we are. Can I say I’m starting to hate November? This whole damn month has been an exercise in Murphy’s Law. That guy exacts his “legal fee” out of me this time of year almost every year. It’s like 2020 came to pay a visit.
14 Months without a regular job. #Personalshare
So, here we are. Can I say I’m starting to hate November? This whole damn month has been an exercise in Murphy’s Law. That guy exacts his “legal fee” out of me this time of year almost every year. It’s like 2020 came to pay a visit.
We’ve had children with illness/injuries pretty much every week so far. Strep throat, wrist injury, and the common cold (*NOT the Icky Cough-Coughs) round out the list of medical issues. Every time I get settled in to write, I get hit with exhaustion from a pain flare, or my wife’s van breaks down, my car needs repairs, or something goes haywire with our internet. (Can you hear the cat barfing in the background?) It’s always something!
NaNoWriMo had almost no chance of success this time.
I might be doing JaNoWriMo this year. My temporary goal is to survive November and somehow get through December with my sanity intact. I don’t know why I always think November is going to go by quietly and I can get tons of writing done.
I have seen lots of writers posting progress updates. It looks like there are going to be a good number of interesting novels coming out in 2023. That’s cool.
I’m not sure how I’m doing mine just yet. I’m still bearing the slings and arrows of outrageous imposter syndrome. Ironically, I’m following the Law of Attraction teachings that your tribe is your vibe and living in the dream fulfilled. (*Among others, but those are key here.)
This election has left me extremely sour on Iowa and our political process in general.
I don’t normally vote almost straight down one party line. I’m a registered independent because I believe in making decisions based on my own judgment, not some binary political party system that should never have taken root in this country. Do you realize what some of these candidates stand for?
They stand for, “Not what X is saying about me!”
And it’s just ridiculous. There wasn’t a lot of campaigning. Tell me what you’re going to do for your county/state/country. If wanted to hear what the other candidate thinks, I’ll go listen to them. I’m tired of the mud slinging. Although now that it’s over, I will honestly say Iowa Republicans can eat my ass.
I’m sick of the Republican party and their mishandling of Iowa. We managed to put a anti-trans, anti-gay, elitist, stuck up hag (*my opinion) back in the governor’s office. I’d talk more trash about Kim Reynolds, but I don’t want Homeland Security breathing down my neck.
Chuck Grassley has been in office longer than I’ve been alive. WTAFFF?!? No one should have “a lifelong career in the Senate.” (Bob Packwood.) When are we going to get real congressional term limits? 2 tours in the Senate or 6 in the House and gone. This country needs fresh ideas and new eyes on our problems, not the same old shit that didn’t work back in 1974.
Encourage Congress to make intelligent decisions based on the needs of constituents. Communication is a lot faster these days that it was in 1780. Pretty sure we can handle it. Let them listen to PEOPLE instead of lobbyists.
The Democrats aren’t much better than Republicans, just currently more popular. We had all of one or two Independents on the ballot here in Iowa. When are we going to get a politician in this state who can be authentic, honest, and WIN? Maybe David Icke is right and the Lizards really do run the world.
The Reptilians literally could be out there watching, listening…
Twitter.
November wouldn’t be complete without mentioning the ongoing sewage fire that is Twitter these days. I originally got on Twitter looking for Tyler Glockner of SecureTeam10 fame to write an article about him for this blog. Strangely, Tyler turned up the same week I wrote the article. I still question whether or not someone got to him and well, uh, censored him to some extent. We’ll never know. At least he’s still putting out YouTube videos.
But #UFOTwitter was a flaming hellscape this time last year. It was only compounded when Añjali turned out exactly the way the Ufology trolls originally said she was. At best delusional, at worst a government shill and a bad hacktress. I fell for it, being the delusional wide-eyed ET lover that I am. Regardless, UFO Twitter and most of Ufology has turned out to be frauds, grifters, and propagandists. I don’t trust most of them now and I look upon many with a skeptical eye.
That brought me over to RPG Twitter. Other than a few bad actors, which I enjoy calling out, it hasn’t been too bad. There aren’t government spooks and corporate black budget interests on this part of Twitter. No witch hunts. Just RolePlaying Games and people who genuinely enjoy them.
If Twitter does land in the shitter in the next few weeks, I’m still around on plenty of other platforms. I’ll keep this site updated on where to find me. My goal is to hang around Elon’s Not-So-Magical Bot Farm until it dies though. The only other thing I’m contemplating getting away from is LinkedIn.
If you think Twitter is bad? Try LinkedIn.
Becoming more of a skeptic these days.
This should be a LinkedIn graphic.
So, real talk for a moment. I feel irritable to the point of aggressive when it comes to people spewing corporate propaganda like it’s the Gospel of Christ. People on LinkedIn just make me ill with some of the crack they’re peddling these days. I feel like that particular platform is very slowly racing Twitter to the ground.
I mean, for as awful as people claim Twitter is? LinkedIn is strewn with false positivity and thinly veiled corporate platitudes. It’s like wearing the black sunglasses in They Live. It’s always been pretty bad, but I’ve noticed it a lot more lately.
People on their should just cut the bullshit and put out messages that just say, “Consume.” or “Buy my shit.” Or maybe even. “Fall in line with the brainless masses.” “Conform.” Possibly, “You’re never going to be good enough.” “Learn to be a better team member.” (*But I’m not bitter…)
I originally hopped on LinkedIn to look for a job. I stick around because friends, mentors, and people I admire post on there occasionally. While I may not agree with everyone politically or ethically, usually I can find common ground. Maybe the election just made it seem worse? I dunno, but whatever it is really makes me raise an eyebrow when it comes to LinkedIn content.
Big companies do all the thinking, so you don’t have to.
I had more to say, but…
Honestly, I’ve been down this rut so many times lately. It just feels like I’m stuck. There’s nothing new or terribly positive or negative either way. (*so long as all the kids are on the mend.) I don’t have much to say except that I’m tired. Not in a self-deleting kind of way, but just tired.
Heck, the entire planet may have blown up by the time this posts. Who knows? Trying not to sound to negative. It’s just been that kinda year.
I have plenty to be grateful for. I know. I count all my blessings regularly. Thanks, family. I appreciate you.
I know that breakthrough is coming. Somewhere, somehow, things will get to that amazing point I know they can reach. When I get to the peak of that mountain, I’ll see another mountain and so on until I’m out of mountains and have to go look in the ocean. The struggle bus stops eventually.
What’s the lesson? What’s this trying to teach me? I mean, I’m trying to to wrap my head around a lot of this even now.
Personal Share.
Sigh. It’s the classic best-of-times, worst-of-times scenario. Getting canned from a place where I was miserable might have been better for them than me? Maybe? The verdict is still out on this one. (*Note, I have to tread very carefully with this topic. Certain folk might still be creepin on my socials and here.)
Spiritually, it’s all about the silver lining. What’s the lesson? What’s this trying to teach me? I mean, I’m trying to to wrap my head around a lot of this even now. I’ve done a lot of processing, or at least I’d like to think I have.
Here’s my question: Who’s teaching this class, anyway?
I love Eckhart, believe me.
The very spiritually correct answer is the Universe/Source/God. I’m not trying to force any of this concept on anyone. Take from it what you will. I’m no Eckhart Tolle and my connection with the Divine might not be quite as strong these days? Sorry. That escalated quickly. (*Much like I occasionally poke at Matt Mercer, I seriously doubt Eckhart or his people read my blog.)
If we’re the creator and the creation at the same time, why do we make things hard for ourselves? This question has been relevant for centuries, maybe longer. Sadly, I don’t even have it that bad! Basic human needs met in this 3D lifetime? Check. Anything beyond that? Still working on it.
If you want to stretch the bounds of spirituality a bit, it’s actually me teaching me or my higher self teaching me. And then so on and so forth up the multidimensional food chain all the way to Source. That’s kind of a trippy concept. What? I can’t give myself the proverbial Cliffsnotes?
Karmically, how many times does one have to go through the wringer before we move on?
I seem to remember someone saying situations would be repeated until a specific lesson is learned. Now, clothes used to go through the wringer a few times to help them dry, but there came a point where it wasn’t doing any good. So I have to ask, if I continue to flunk the same lesson, do I still get to, uh, “graduate?” Is “graduation” day when we die or the next proverbial day when we get to go answer for everything? The deeper one reaches, the more questions come up to be answered.
My dear old Dad used to say, “It never gets any easier, does it?” The older I get, the more I really understand the question. Not sure I have any more answers than I did when I was 17, but at least I get the question from multiple angles.
Every answer leads to more questions. Some questions are more of a struggle to figure out than others. Sometimes we struggle like crazy just to come full circle to the simplest answer possible. We overlook simple answers due to their lack of complexity. As my good friend Jake once said, “If it was simple, we wouldn’t be here.”
People say I spend too much time in my head and I overthink things. Yeah. I probably do. Then again, I believe anything worth doing is worth the effort. The details are important. If I’m worried and giving something a lot of thought, it’s a sign that I care.
One of my favorite teachers often reminds us that we’re already there.
Anna Brown, who claims to not be a spiritual teacher, but quite often speaks the truth about all things spiritual, really gets it in my opinion. You are already that which you are seeking. There are no answers to search for because you already possess the knowledge. Basically, stop trying to dig philosophically so much because you can just live.
Only, I’m stick-stone-stubborn as hell. I refuse to give up. I refuse to stop beating my head on the metaphysical wall. What the heck am I doing here if not to figure out what I’m supposed to be doing here? I love chasing my tail!
Back to the metaphysical drawing board this month.
I started watching a skeptic named Andey Fellowes on YouTube recently. Please don’t think I’m abandoning my views on spirituality or any of my beliefs. However, some of what Andey has to say does ring a bell. He gets very honest and critical about certain popular spiritual and Law of Attraction teachers and what they’re saying. Honestly, I’ve had some of the same experiences. He’s right about a good number of things.
I’m still kind of a “New Age” guy, though. I’m not changing everything about myself to become an atheist or a former “New Ager” as they are called. I don’t troll Andey, either. In fact, if love and light is your jam, there’s no point in trolling anyone, ever. Especially not someone who is speaking out against your long-held beliefs.
All of that having been said, I’m going back to my spiritual roots through the end of June. I am thoroughly examining what my goals in life are. I’m going to ask myself what I intend to manifest. I’m going to give a lot of mental effort over to changing beliefs that aren’t working for me. My overall goal is to hone the habits that will get me to a better place in life yet. It’s time to get off the struggle bus and find some joy again.
Thanks for stopping by. I appreciate you. Have a wonderful day wherever you are and whatever you’re doing.
Getting fired from a job I was really starting to despise was practically a relief. Every month I celebrate my personal freedom. I am so happy and grateful for all of life’s experiences.
I’ve been at this since July 19, 2021.
Since then, I’ve had many wonderful, warm, happy, spiritual experiences. It’s been mostly peaceful, downright pleasant. About the only downside has been the change in stable income. I went from a level I was very comfortable with to, uh… yeah. Still working on that one. But it’s all good.
I will say I don’t miss the grind. We’re getting by okay on one income. The bills are covered. Personally, I’m working on some writing projects and looking for writing jobs so I can pass the goodness onto my friends in the TTRPG community and elsewhere.
There are literally no regrets otherwise. All the crapola that came with that job otherwise? They can keep it. I wish I could say more, but I don’t feel like getting sued. I am a big believer in karma, though.
It was never exactly the plan I intended.
I really mean it. Please take care of your needs and those of your loved ones.
My intentions looked a lot different originally. I intended to be wealthy with a steady enough stream of income to retire somewhere in the Pacific Northwest US and never effectively be heard from again aside from social media and my written work and YouTube. (I still intend to retire to a quiet cabin next to a lake some day.) That was mid-2019, before everything totally went to pieces worldwide.
Needless to say the lockdowns/quarantines from COVID brought us closer as a family. I’m pretty happy being around my family these days. My wife has been extremely loving and understanding about the whole unemployment thing so far. Lord knows I’ve dated women before her that would have kicked me to the curb a lot sooner. Yes, the kids still tend to drive me a little batty, much like any parent, but I love them to pieces.
I originally intended to fulfill a more spiritual mission as it related to Ufology. I wanted to bridge the gap between the nuts-and-bolts ufologists and the more spiritual side of Ufology. While it may happen some day, it probably won’t be me that gets it done. Too many people have too much to lose to give up their stream of income and jaded opinions to cross over to the other side of the fence in both communities. I have more love than ever for the Experiencer community, though.
Mental Health Matters!
Therapy. Needed. Badly…
I remember that night six months ago. They met me at the door and pulled me into a side office. I knew instantly what was going down, reaffirmed by the contents of my desk sitting in a box on the table. I think we’ve all seen this before. All the specifics are kind of a blur because our mind seeks to protect us from pain/trauma. I wasn’t especially hurt or angry. More like slightly annoyed and disappointed.
Really the biggest question in my mind was what to tell the kids. My wife had often said the writing was on the Jumbotron and that it was no real surprise. Yet, my number one biggest concern was for her and the kids.
You know what? It turns out that my loving wife sees me as more than a paycheck. She totally shattered that misconception when she touched my arm and told me it was going to be okay. Not gonna lie, I cried a little over that.
Yes, I’ve had bouts of depression and anxiety since. It happens. It’s normal for many of us, despite the social stigma attached to it. “Cheer up,” and “Don’t worry,” don’t magically make depression and anxiety go away. Honest. Unemployment has done wonders for my anxiety, though. There’s less to worry about when I’m home all day with the cats and no shitz to give otherwise.
My inner critic calls me everything from “deadbeat” to “freeloading loser.”
To him, I say, “Go fly a kite. Soaked in gasoline. In Hell. Don’t care.”
You might have guessed by now that I still need therapy. I’m still in therapy. I was going back to my therapist before they canned me because things had gotten pretty grim mental health wise, anyway. Truthfully, I was pretty relieved not having to go back to that place.
Who knows? Another six months of therapy might even see me wanting to be around people again. I might even go see if I can get hired as a door greeter at the local Wally World. Between my physical and mental health, we know for sure there are certain jobs I won’t touch ever again.
At least I can proudly say my mental health is improving. I know there are a lot of people quitting their jobs right now because they’re tired of the crap. Love them. They’re doing the right thing for it. Employers need to learn what they can’t get away with if they want to retain people. You know what’s truly crazy? Working somewhere that pays less than what one is worth, for long hours, crappy benefits, and harsh criticism.
That’s probably the thing that drove me into therapy the most. It’s one thing to criticize someone’s job performance in the name of improving the company. I get that. But when they literally tell you to internalize that they think you’re less than mediocre? Another reason for me to NEVER set foot in an office environment again. Sorry, I just don’t have the personal resources to handle that. Again, I believe in karma.
I got the boot a couple of weeks after that total downer of a review. No surprise, really. Just annoying. Treat people the way you would want them to treat you. And middle finger on each hand up to corporate America for some of their contrary values.
I am a spiritual being having a physical experience. When I’m not afraid to die, I’m not afraid of anything that can be said to me. However, I still have feelings and free will. Luckily, I choose in every now moment to stay calm, forgive, and remember we’re all here on the Earth plane to have these types of (crappy) experiences. Some day I’ll tell you what all I’ve learned. LOL!
Not a millionaire yet. Just going for joy.
Time to get creative!
I’m not going to do the whole sappy happiness-over-money bit. Money serves a very important function in society. It buys me a lot of things that brings joy, plus it helps people. I love wealth and prosperity. I admire people who have more than I do. Sure. Why begrudge anyone their happiness and prosperity? We should all be so fortunate.
That all said, I can write for enjoyment. I’m not fighting through the chronic pain every day to crawl into work just to be miserable some more. (God/Source/Universe bless you if you do.) I don’t have an overzealous middle management supervisor breathing down my neck and I’m not just a meaningless cog in the corporate machine any more. Years of stress and not taking care of myself in the name of the almighty dollar left me with a wrecked body and tons of pain. Please, do yourself a favor and take care of you, too.
Now, I’m waiting for the good graces of government and/or a remote job to come through. Otherwise, I’m writing for fun and ttrpg money. I’m going to stamp my own personal NaNoWriMo on a month coming up assuming everyone is healthy (and nothing else is going on) to knock out my first actual novel.
What’s all this TTRPG business about?
DMSGuild.com Just one of the places I want to get published.
For those unfamiliar with the term, TTRPG stands for Table Top Role Playing Game. Some would recognize Dungeons & Dragons as probably the most popular ttrpg on the market today. Of course there are literally hundreds of ttrpgs out there in the world in every genre imaginable with as many systems as one would care to learn.
I discovered a very warm, very welcoming #ttrpg community on Twitter a few months ago after the Añjali fracas left a very bad taste in my mouth. My new online friends have helped me realize that running, writing, and discussing roleplaying games truly does make me happy. Remember that whole joy thing? Yeah. That’s my joy.
Plus, having all this time off because employers want to hire me about as bad as I want to work for some of them has given me a lot of time to learn interesting new skills and embrace old ones. I’m getting back into blogging, web design, and social media a bit. Maybe I’ll even do some freelance work along those lines eventually.
I’m looking at dropping some of my own written ttrpg work onto DriveThruRPG, the DMSGuild and possibly starting something on Itch.IO going forward along with some freelance writing jobs in the industry. I’m aspiring for that electrum best seller spot on OneBookShelf.com on at least one of their affiliate sites. Years of being turned down by game companies have taught me the best way into the industry is to just do the darn thing and publish it myself.
This year is looking up so far. Yes, steady income is cool and all, but doing something I love to the point where it is almost indistinguishable from daily living is priceless. Plus I have more family time than ever, which has been nice.
That’s why my blog has mostly changed. I’m still dropping some spiritual stuff here and there along with my personal shares. Mostly, my goal is to post about that which really lights me up now or things I’m passionate about one way or the other. This might be the last Freedom Day update for a while. I’ll keep everyone posted if things change.
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Jeff's Game Box 