Personal Share at 3:33AM

After my last “real world” job experience, I’m not too keen on criticism. Seriously, I’m still having nightmares about that shit. I wasn’t kidding about the PTSD. Trust me, I’m still in therapy

I’ve been having trouble sleeping the last couple of weeks.

Yup.

Depression is real. I fight it. I fight it every freakin day. Some days are better than others. I choose joy. I choose positive thoughts. Shit still happens.

I’m grateful for being here in one piece, chatting with you. Yes, it could be a thousand times worse and I seriously feel for anyone who is struggling right now with depression or possibly a war in their back yard.

Lately, it’s been a little tough. I’m not pulling in the big bucks like I was. Okay, specifically, I’m not pulling any bucks. It’s kind of a downer if I’m being pragmatic. We’re not starving in the streets, but I’m starting to feel like a sixth wheel in my house. It gets to me because there’s so much more I want to do.

I get that I’m not everyone’s cup-o-tea.

“Look I so old to young eyes?” –Yoda

If rejection letters and flush emails were currency, I’d be a millionaire. I’m a writer, so getting shot down for things is kinda par for the course. Not a huge deal. And I’ve been blessed with not-a-ton of criticism.

After my last “real world” job experience, I’m not too keen on criticism. Seriously, I’m still having nightmares about that shit. I wasn’t kidding about the PTSD. Trust me, I’m still in therapy. Probably for a long time to come.

My wife and I playfully debate about changing my profile pics. She keeps trying to convince me to shave the beard. I contend that looking a couple of years younger is not gonna help and I love my beard.

It’s what I have to work with. Trust me when I say I have my share of issues working against me. Now if I could just convince the government…

I don’t expect everyone to love me. I’m not that arrogant. If I’m not your cup of tea, can I at least be your soda? Cup of coffee? Coaster? Anything?

February was the month of getting shot down in flames.

Criticism is not my friend.

Ever see that old Nintendo game, Duck Hunt? You can just call me “Daffy” because it’s like I’m out there flying around just waiting to get picked off. That dog’s still laughing at me, too.

The other day I receive another one of those should-have-known-better flush letters. I don’t know why I put myself through some of these things. I see opportunities that I think are fabulous that are “open to everyone, but…” The most bothersome part of that debacle is it wasn’t even a paid gig. It was a scholarship for cryin out loud!

Again, grateful there was no criticism there with the feedback. I would have caught that one in the feels for sure. I’m happy for whomever got it, but it was pretty obvious that I had no hope in Hell on that one. Onto the next one, I guess.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m on my own for the most part.

I’ve taken down my “Looking for Work” banners, etc on social media for the time being. I’m also pulling my resume down off of some websites because I’m tired of people just looking for names to add to their list or worse- selling it to telemarketing scum. I’m also a little annoyed that I’m getting spam calls from people who obviously pulled my number off the resume. If I didn’t give it to you, you shouldn’t have it!

I feel like seven plus months of looking for a job is enough for now. If I was going to get hired for real money, it would have happened by now. Countless applications = one kinda lame interview. Depressing.

I’m not sure I’m back to starting my own game company or looking for a suitable bridge to practice my high dive from. (Kidding about the bridge, for now, I guess, maybe.) At this point Wile E Coyote and I have a lot in common when it comes to wacky schemes. If anyone has any offers or deep thoughts they’d like to share, I’m all ears. jeffcraigmile@gmail.com

Thanks for hearing me out. I appreciate you.

Knew This Was a Coming.

Honestly, God/Universe/Source bless whoever did end up with the position. They deserve it. It’s a great job. I’m glad they can provide abundance for their family and contribute to the economy in a meaningful way. That’s great. Seriously, I’m happy for whoever it is.

I foolishly applied for a job that I didn’t have a hope in Hell of getting, and yet…

It’s been a day.

I applied anyway. Somewhere along the way I even got my hopes up. Well, so much for that. Got my flush letter today.

Admittedly, there were like, two HUNDRED other applicants. I sure as shit don’t stand out in a crowd that big. I mean, really it’s all those things they tell you not to say in the Law of Attraction scene.

Then again, if LoA was >really< working as intended- would I really be in this situation? I’m not sure. Then again, in the long list of things we’re not supposed to think about LoA, questioning whether or not it works is at the top of the list.

Supposedly, it works, I’m just not doing it right. Right? I’m not high vibe enough. I’m not eating the “right” foods. I’m not meditating enough. I’m not exercising enough. There’s one clown out there who literally said that fat people can’t attract what they want because we’re overweight. Can you believe that shit? So, yup, I’m not thinking the right thoughts, I guess.

Before anyone goes there- Race is not an issue here!

Yup. I went there. I’m probably going to suffer the slings and arrows of being called a “____ist,” or “____phobe.”

Have you seen me? Yeah. I’m an “old, ‘cishet’ white guy.” Hell, if there’s a scapegoat for almost everyone’s problems these days, it’s us. I don’t feel one bit privileged. I’m not owed anything by anyone. God doesn’t even promise me another minute on this planet. I’m truly thankful for the opportunities I have been given regardless of where they came from.

I get how other groups of people have been discriminated against for centuries due to race, gender, sexual preference, and so on; mostly by old ‘cishet’ white guys. (Still getting used to saying ‘cishet.’)

The sad part is, some of these Illuminated f@*%s are still running the planet. If I was one of them, trust me, I wouldn’t be here. Turns out I’m not down with evil- true, unimaginable, disgusting, despicable evil.

Family- I stop for squirrels in the street. Do you really think I’m big on screwing over my fellow human beings for any reason? Karma comes home to roost faster and faster in this day and age. Trust me, being kind to everyone is the least I can do.

“Get an education,” they said. “Get a degree,” they said.

Education is totally helpful, I tell ya.

Do you know where that shit got me? I live in a state where Iowa Workforce Development flat-out told us they don’t want anyone with more than a high school education right now. They want skilled laborers that can be trained to be dental hygienists and arc welders. I hear there’s also a massive shortage of truck drivers and nurses these days. I wonder why?

$60K in college loans. My fondest dream is that I someday live long enough to default on the bastards. Screw my credit rating. All college has truly done for me is get me a receipt and a pile of debt that I will literally be paying on until I die. Why did I do that to myself? Oh. Yeah. To “get a ‘better’ job.”

Lemme tell ya. All that higher education didn’t mean shit when I was stocking the tampon aisle at 3:00 in the morning. Nor did it do me any good when I was waxing floors. It’s all super worthless twenty years later now that my back and neck are completely shot and I’m in pain all day every day.

I know. Old white guy problems, right? Maybe education wasn’t the way to go. Neither is busting my ass 10-12 hours/night for people who don’t appreciate me for less than a fair wage. I can’t blame anyone who quits a job where they’re not appreciated, valued or treated well.

Let’s be real. I’m mad at me.

I’m very uncomfortable with who I am right now. I feel very inadequate, mediocre, worthless. It’s how I feel.

I fell for it. I got my hopes all up. I thought maybe I could land a remote job that paid well in an industry I am more than familiar with. My dream job is still out there waiting.

Honestly, God/Universe/Source bless whoever did end up with the position. They deserve it. It’s a great job. I’m glad they can provide abundance for their family and contribute to the economy in a meaningful way. That’s great. Seriously, I’m happy for whoever it is.

Here’s why I’m actually running the gamut of emotions tonight. I’m not getting any younger. My health is sketchy and people are anywhere from annoyed to terrified of FMLA. My mental health is sketchy to the point where I’m considered “disabled.” I have a 20+ year old minor blotch on my criminal record that was no biggie prior to 9/11. I have a 20+ year old college degree with a double major that seemingly no one will touch.

I have four kids and a wife who is busting her ass out there every day trying to teach a bunch of kids who don’t want to learn or even be in school. I live in a state where mental healthcare is among the lowest ranked in the country and declining. We’re also the worst in Covid cases on any given day. (Ha! Take that Guam! Our numbers make you guys look great!) Any day now my unemployment runs out.

My reputation in a certain former industry is tarnished to the point of unrecoverable. I have no job references. Literally no one knows me well enough to vouch for me outside of my immediate family. Depression. I can’t win. Sorry, I need to vent right now.

I’m super far behind on all projects and I may be taking a day off to spew anger at Fortnite for a day or two. I’ll be lucky if I don’t eat myself into a bloody coma. I’m just feeling down, antisocial, inadequate, and angry at myself. I’m going to soak in it for a while.

This is all according to plan, I guess?

I’m grateful for my wife. She hasn’t thrown me out yet. The kids are taken care of right now. That’s positive at least.

In the LoA circles, I’m never supposed to say, “I’m too old. I’m too stupid. I’m too fat. I’m too ____(whatever negative.)” And yet, here we are today. Maybe I am too old? Too unappealing to potential employers. I’m about to become too damn antisocial. Seriously, why would I want to be around people if I’m constantly being reminded of my inadequacies?

LoA can bite me. LoA gurus can bite me.
Dear Universe, please explain.

A true biblical scholar could tell you specifics better than I can. Somewhere it says “Creation is finished.” This translates to the notion that everything is there waiting for us to claim it. What ‘they’ don’t tell us is the way to do it properly. Wouldn’t it be a great world to live in if we didn’t have to struggle every f@#king day? Why can’t God just grant us that? No one can truly answer that in a 3D plane. We think we know, but we really don’t.

If the Universe is truly benevolent as I believe it is, this is all a learning experience and better times are on the horizon. If you made it this far, the gist is I’m trying to build myself back up. I’m tired from getting knocked on my ass by life. It doesn’t make me feel any better knowing I’m not alone.

If you’re struggling right now, I feel for you. Keep going. It’s bound to get better eventually.

This felt depressed. Might delete it later. Not sure yet if it will publish.

Take care. Stay safe. Stay hydrated. Thanks for being here. I am grateful for you.

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