March 19th. Freedom Day Again.

I’m working on myself today. Tiny steps. It’s not easy. Looks easy on paper, but…

Personal Share: Circling the drain.

As you may have already guessed, I’m going to get a bit vulnerable in this particular article. Not gonna lie, it’s been a rough couple of months for me. As a trusted friend pointed out, I seem to be “swirling the drain.” She’s right without knowing how dark it really has gotten. This is harder than I thought it was going to be and is probably going to turn into a whole series.

A well known Law of Attraction guru whom I have never met in person once said, “Once you overcome the fear of dying, what’s left?”

*Disclaimer: Do not taunt bears or go skydiving with lit dynamite. Also, juggling chainsaws is right out. Do not try dangerous stuff at home based on what some internet goob said. That is not what we’re talking about.*

He was poking for the obvious answer of there’s literally nothing to be afraid of. Start a new job and get fired in the first 10 minutes? Why not? Talk mad smack about the government on social media? What’s going to happen? Who cares? Become a millionaire overnight? F*ck yeah! Why be afraid?

Not trying to sell anyone’s program, just thinking out loud.

There is a very valid point about not being afraid to fail or succeed. When there’s nowhere else to go- look up. As people, one has the capability of lifting oneself up. The opposite stands true as well. Sometimes we’re our own worst enemy.

It’s better to suffer the slings and arrows of grievous misfortune than to be afraid of trying in the first place. Truly it is one of the easiest damn things ever to say. I get it. I’ve been at this for a while now with self help, LoA, and the whole spiritual awakening show. Saying is easy. Doing, on the other hand…

There’s always a choice.

This is way tougher than I thought it was going to be and I’ll definitely be continuing this conversation in future articles.

We choose our actions in any given moment. Every sentence, heck- every word is a choice. We get to set our intentions with every choice big or small. Whether it’s make a cup of coffee or move to Alaska, everything boils down to a choice. Then the real, heavy, stubborn world kicks in and reminds us that all of our actions have consequences and our decisions have far reaching ramifications sometimes. (Which is why no chainsaw juggling or moving to Alaska for me.)

Here’s where I’m struggling:

I’d like to choose that victim role every day but… My choices roundabout got me here. I can choose better. I can choose smarter. I know this now. Maybe I’ve always known and I’m just now remembering, but that’s another story.

I choose to sit on the couch wallowing in misery and self pity. I’m choosing to be effectively crippled by self doubt and anxiety. I’ve chosen to let depression basically kick my ass all over the place.

Fear and anxiety (which is like, more fear) have basically been holding me back for a few months now. Today I’m choosing to start taking those very small steps toward recovery. My physical condition might still slow me down for now, but I’m going to get my mental, emotional and spiritual health in order.

Tiny steps. “Lean into the suck.”

The same wonderful friend that leveled with me about swirling the drain once said to “Lean into the suck.” I have always loved that phrase because it describes walking home in January Iowa weather perfectly. I literally used to walk or bike everywhere all year round.

It’s true of life, too. Sometimes things get bumpy. Those consequences and ramifications come back around like an exploding boomerang. The solution is to just keep on plowing through it all. It’s tough going, but no one is expecting everything to be done overnight.

I’m taking some pretty small steps. I’m choosing to improve my situation as opposed to choosing to binge on another Netflix series. Today I finish one more project on my to-do list than I did yesterday. One small step forward every day. One small victory building toward the next and so on.

I may not get it all figured out by the 19th of April, but I’m choosing to keep going. I’m determined to move toward abundance and away from lack. I’m determined not to become a permanent resident of my couch. I’m resolute that anxiety and depression do not own me. I intend to take more chances and try new things.

Thanks for being here on this journey with me. More to come on this topic. Take care. Have a lovely weekend.

And Now a Reason to Scratch My Head

Watch “Being in right or wrong. Practicing higher states of consciousness ❤️” on YouTube. https://youtu.be/V0bgRWJXX-8

It’s an energetic Universe, and as such I believe coincidence is a rare thing. So, was it any wonder that I stumbled upon this Lorie Ladd video on YouTube earlier tonight? She speaks directly about polarity, which I’ve been experiencing a LOT of lately.

Not the only video I watched. But the first one I saw tonight. It makes me think about work. Can I still love these people? <cringe>

I can still love myself. (Again, not trying to sound arrogant. Even though it might.) And as a being of love and light, I can’t let it slide if something bothers me either way. That means, I really have to drop back into a neutral space. No kidding- it’s tough.

Many moons ago, early in my spiritual awakening, I challenged Lorie in a comment somewhere to tell her guides something to tell my guides something. Oh, I’m still listening, but this video hit some chords that were darn close to the vibe I was on during my last article.

Every night that I go to work, I have to stand next to these people, that I totally disagree with, can barely tolerate being around, regularly bite my tongue, and yet, we coexist peacefully, Whenever I start to get upset, I attempt to bring myself back to that neutral place and focus on the task at hand or something positive.

Lorie once posited elsewhere “that if one of the Ascended Masters was in the room with you right now, what would he/she tell you? Can you tell you the same?”

Pretty cool statement, actually. I really took that to heart. I don’t always manage to do it, because I’m in this little old mortal body and sometimes I still get worked up.

Right now, there is so much polarity on this planet. If you ever want good examples of duality and separation and people getting charged up over old beliefs and ideas? This is it, family.

So, I’ll echo the best advice I’ve heard so far. Go within. However that resonates with you. Meditate, pray, exercise, discern, or however that looks for you. Can you see what’s going on and not react? Can you see what’s going on and instead of getting triggered? Yes, have feelings. But can you step back and see both sides or all sides?

It’s not as easy as it seems in print. But, practice. Lots of practice. Hang in there. We’re all in this together.

Self Care

My health has to come first.

Today I chose to make self care a priority in my life. I didn’t sleep very well. I’ll confess there’s a bit of stress in my life around my job, try though I might not to admit it. And that leads to, (drum roll please-) a pain flare. So, upon waking up for my alarm today, I called in sick instead of going to work.

Bitmoji of me low on health
Low on Health

What I didn’t know, until I called work, was that I was not the only one. Apparently two out of the six of us had already called in. Can’t really say I blame them. In fact, I think there is zero blame here. I don’t know why they called in, but I can honestly say my body chose rest and self care.

Kindness is one of The Six Habits mentioned in the book by Laura DiBenedetto. Kindness to others, sure. But kindness to yourself is key. And, well, this was definitely a good cause for that tonight. When I wake up feeling like I’ve been beaten soundly with a sack of hammers one at a time, it’s time to take a sick day. It’s me saying I have to take my health seriously.

This was the case before we started working these crazy 12 hour shifts four nights in a row. It’s only exacerbated by the need to use FMLA because I’m out of sick time that much faster. It’s unfortunate for the company.

The sad part, on a tangent, is I’ve offered to work from home. But for whatever reason that’s not good enough for them. I have a desk job. If all I had to do was crawl across my basement (almost literally,) and log into my compy from home? My attendance would skyrocket! I’d be nigh onto employee of the month in terms of attendance. But, alas…

Photo by Musa Ortau00e7 on Pexels.com
Not me, but you get the idea.

My health has to come first. Years ago, I would have been so hell-bent on taking care of my family, I would have tromped in there, pain be damned. Ironically, those were the days I really wrecked my health, especially my back, in my quest to become super dad/husband. No regrets, really. I’ve forgiven myself for all that happened and accepted everything happens for a reason. I chose to have that experience and I am grateful for it. (Yes, I said I’m grateful for the days I feel like I punched it out with Tyson, Ali, and Foreman in no particular order.)

And then for added strife, my supervisor more or less bit my face off when I called in. I empathize that he was having a rough day by his own admission, but still, he was pretty rude. I get kindness to others, acceptance, and mindful understanding. His comments and behaviour are on him. I’m never in charge of someone else’s feelings, only my own. And, I’m not letting it get to me per se, but there was definitely a time I would have. I’ve been processing it in my mind all night, but maybe not for the reason one might imagine.

I know I love me. As arrogant as it sounds, it’s true. I hope everyone says the same about themselves. I don’t expect everyone to understand that. And I feel somewhat bad that the guys had to work a shift with half the manpower. But again, not really and not for the reason one might imagine.

Here is my reason and affirmation: I AM Worthy of being treated well. Any person or company that would expect me to put my well-being aside so they can “optimize their profits” (or whatever other corporate gibberish they want to cook up,) really doesn’t deserve to have me. Again, not trying to be a jerk, just honest. It has taken me many, many years to learn this lesson.

Now, would I do this if I were working for myself? Absolutely! The major difference is, as my own boss, I’d totally let me work from home. Same with anyone working for me as long as they are able to work from home. And if not? Yes. Take care of yourself.

SO, in conclusion, I’m not intending to complain about my health or my job. I’m pretty well over both. I accept my strengths and limitations. But I am 100% ready to move forward with my life.

Intentions are being set. Vision boards created. And I am living the dream fulfilled in the now moment. 2020 is the year of change. This is going to be the year I started knocking things out of the park.

Namaste and publius.

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