Perf- Porf- uh… Perfeshional.

I’m just not professional enough for the rest of y’all. Sorry, not sorry.

Yeah. That’s gotta be it, right?

Photo by Julissa Helmuth on

This is going to be a little more light-hearted and cheeky than my usual postings. Because people who know me will totally tell you I’m oh-so-serious all the time. Yes, I’ve taken three professionalism classes in college. I get all that stuff. But if I have to wear a tie and be super serious all the time? We have a problem.

I have to laugh. No, literally. If I can’t find something to laugh about, I WILL find something to laugh about even if it’s something funny inside my own head. I think people who are in “big business” are in danger of taking themselves and everything else far too seriously. I mean, unless you’re running a health care business or hauling radioactive material for examples, you probably don’t have that much to be freaking out over. A lot of times, people just need to lighten up.

I think people are in danger of taking themselves far too seriously.

I’ve been applying for jobs lately, and it just makes me cringe. Not a direct example, but I’ve seen postings for things like, “Senior Administrative Assistant,” and “Building Sanitation Engineer.” So, we can’t just say, “secretary” and “you’re going to be the only one in the office most of the time.” And we can’t just say “custodian” or “janitor.” For real, these folks aren’t driving the freight train or building the next phase pulse generator. This ain’t rocket science. In fact, I’d be surprised if it’s still called “rocket science.” They probably contrived some new name for it like “Aerospace Dynamics Specialist 1.”

There plenty of people out here in the real world who don’t mind being referred to as custodians, telemarketers, or secretaries. Heck, some of us would just be happy to have one of those jobs.

The door greeter at your local big box store is still literally the guy standing at the front entrance greeting people as they come in. You can call mushed apples anything you like, they’re still “applesauce.” For the life of me on this 3D Earth, I have yet to truly understand why human beings go out of their way to overcomplicate things. So, this leads me to my big conclusion.

Get in the moon buggy and don’t ask!

I’m just not professional enough for the rest of y’all.

A-hem… Sorry. You’re just going to have to learn to cope with my very bizarre, very off-the-wall, pretty much boundless sense of humor. You’re going to have to live with my sometimes bizarre conspiracy theories. Dress code? I wrote my own. If I can’t be comfortable in my hoodie and cargo pants? Sorry. I’ll never put on a uniform or a tie again if I can avoid it. I’d rather eat a spoonful of fire ants than wear a suit to work. If that’s your thing, good for you. It’s just not mine.

For the 115,000th time, I DO NOT DO SALES!!! I have had my fill of retail experience and upselling product to last me the rest of this incarnation and probably several more. It’s not “customer service” if you’re asking me to push more product. I’m not “helping customers internally and externally” by cramming more product down their throats or up their… you get the idea. I have yet to see a “Customer Service Representative” job listed locally, especially here in Des Moines, IA that wasn’t easily re-labeled as “Telemarketer.” Only most of us will bypass what is easily considered the slimiest of slimy jobs short of cleaning gutters or hosing out public restrooms.

While I’m on the subject…

Something else that just drives me batty, that I’m sure most people can relate to is: Temp Agencies. I apologize in advance if this is you. Seriously? Like, y’all have it relabeled everywhere as “human resources specialist,” or “recruiter” or even, “staffing experts.” Nuh-uh. Y’all are collecting resumes and acting as headhunters to fill up office pools for your corporate overlords. Here’s a thought- some of us can see you coming a mile away. I ain’t down now or ever. I’ve had way too many bad experiences and wastes of time and labor just so someone could latch onto a percent of my check, put my name on a list, and shuffle papers from one side of their desk to the other. I dare say I’d rather be locked in a broom closet full of coral snakes than ever go near a temp agency ever again. No thank you that is not part of my belief system. Keep on truckin.

Look to your left. Now to your right. Wonder why your business is short on help?

This is a no-brainer for some folks. Have you seen the skill requirements some of these employers are looking for? Chances are if the list is a mile and a half long, they’re looking to replace someone who retired after 30 years. Or, maybe they’re just not actually serious about hiring. Another possibility is, they cooked up a bunch of corporate Mchorseshit for a description that looked good on paper when all they really wanted was to get someone to stock shelves or clean floors. Again, humans overcomplicate their lives. I’ll let you know if I find a definitive answer as to why.

The other one I laugh about often, having been in short-staffed jobs many times, is high turnover. Usually because management is (Fill in the Blank:) ______. (A.)Inept. (B.) Bad about playing favorites. (C.)Clueless. (D.)Downsizing. (E.) Ignorant. (F.) Greedy. Or All of the above. There are more that I’ve left off but you get the picture. Most of these situations revolve around bad management, horrid business practices, and/or chaffed staff because of the first two. I always raise an eyebrow when I see a business perpetually looking for help, especially if a temp agency is involved. If you have to hire entire classrooms full of 25-30 people in the vague hopes a couple of them might stick around? Chances are, somebody is F’d up in management and the turnover rate is far too high.

Before class is dismissed:

Photo by Max Vakhtbovych on

I kinda ended up being in rant mode for this one, but I gotta level with you. I’m not going to shave my beard and (gag) actually put on a tie (euww) for an interview if I know it’s a waste of my time. And after countless crappy interviews and 30+ years of being in the workfarce, my bullshit detector works very well. In conclusion, here’s some of my advice if you’re looking for help.

Honesty: List what you NEED from an employee in plain , simple language up front. Are you with a temp agency just looking to fill lists? Don’t call people and make it look like you’re for real hiring.

Authenticity: Honesty’s cousin. Don’t beat around the bush about what it is your company represents. If you’re selling luxury designer custom toilets, say it up front. (There’s nothing worse than thinking you’ve been hired as a front desk receptionist at a hotel and then ending up in the kitchen. True story.)

Simplicity: Don’t put 20 words in a job description if 10 will get the point across. Don’t add a bunch of things to a job description if the employee will rarely ever have to deal with it. Lastly, don’t throw a bunch of requirements out there for the “perfect” or “ideal” candidate if you are willing to accept way less. Do I really have to have a Master’s Degree and 7 years of experience if I can still do whatever it is with a High School Diploma and straight off the street for the first time?

Expediency: Do not drag applicants in for three interviews just to go with the first gal you were going to hire. Temp agencies- do not just call me in just so you can shuffle the paperwork with my name on it from one side of the desk to the other.

End rant here for now. Hope you’re all having a lovely week. Stay safe. See you later.

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