I’ve been having trouble sleeping the last couple of weeks.
Depression is real. I fight it. I fight it every freakin day. Some days are better than others. I choose joy. I choose positive thoughts. Shit still happens.
I’m grateful for being here in one piece, chatting with you. Yes, it could be a thousand times worse and I seriously feel for anyone who is struggling right now with depression or possibly a war in their back yard.
Lately, it’s been a little tough. I’m not pulling in the big bucks like I was. Okay, specifically, I’m not pulling any bucks. It’s kind of a downer if I’m being pragmatic. We’re not starving in the streets, but I’m starting to feel like a sixth wheel in my house. It gets to me because there’s so much more I want to do.
I get that I’m not everyone’s cup-o-tea.
If rejection letters and flush emails were currency, I’d be a millionaire. I’m a writer, so getting shot down for things is kinda par for the course. Not a huge deal. And I’ve been blessed with not-a-ton of criticism.
After my last “real world” job experience, I’m not too keen on criticism. Seriously, I’m still having nightmares about that shit. I wasn’t kidding about the PTSD. Trust me, I’m still in therapy. Probably for a long time to come.
My wife and I playfully debate about changing my profile pics. She keeps trying to convince me to shave the beard. I contend that looking a couple of years younger is not gonna help and I love my beard.
It’s what I have to work with. Trust me when I say I have my share of issues working against me. Now if I could just convince the government…
I don’t expect everyone to love me. I’m not that arrogant. If I’m not your cup of tea, can I at least be your soda? Cup of coffee? Coaster? Anything?
February was the month of getting shot down in flames.
Ever see that old Nintendo game, Duck Hunt? You can just call me “Daffy” because it’s like I’m out there flying around just waiting to get picked off. That dog’s still laughing at me, too.
The other day I receive another one of those should-have-known-better flush letters. I don’t know why I put myself through some of these things. I see opportunities that I think are fabulous that are “open to everyone, but…” The most bothersome part of that debacle is it wasn’t even a paid gig. It was a scholarship for cryin out loud!
Again, grateful there was no criticism there with the feedback. I would have caught that one in the feels for sure. I’m happy for whomever got it, but it was pretty obvious that I had no hope in Hell on that one. Onto the next one, I guess.
I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m on my own for the most part.
I’ve taken down my “Looking for Work” banners, etc on social media for the time being. I’m also pulling my resume down off of some websites because I’m tired of people just looking for names to add to their list or worse- selling it to telemarketing scum. I’m also a little annoyed that I’m getting spam calls from people who obviously pulled my number off the resume. If I didn’t give it to you, you shouldn’t have it!
I feel like seven plus months of looking for a job is enough for now. If I was going to get hired for real money, it would have happened by now. Countless applications = one kinda lame interview. Depressing.
I’m not sure I’m back to starting my own game company or looking for a suitable bridge to practice my high dive from. (Kidding about the bridge, for now, I guess, maybe.) At this point Wile E Coyote and I have a lot in common when it comes to wacky schemes. If anyone has any offers or deep thoughts they’d like to share, I’m all ears. firstname.lastname@example.org
Thanks for hearing me out. I appreciate you.