Personal Share: Circling the drain.

As you may have already guessed, I’m going to get a bit vulnerable in this particular article. Not gonna lie, it’s been a rough couple of months for me. As a trusted friend pointed out, I seem to be “swirling the drain.” She’s right without knowing how dark it really has gotten. This is harder than I thought it was going to be and is probably going to turn into a whole series.

A well known Law of Attraction guru whom I have never met in person once said, “Once you overcome the fear of dying, what’s left?”

*Disclaimer: Do not taunt bears or go skydiving with lit dynamite. Also, juggling chainsaws is right out. Do not try dangerous stuff at home based on what some internet goob said. That is not what we’re talking about.*

He was poking for the obvious answer of there’s literally nothing to be afraid of. Start a new job and get fired in the first 10 minutes? Why not? Talk mad smack about the government on social media? What’s going to happen? Who cares? Become a millionaire overnight? F*ck yeah! Why be afraid?

Not trying to sell anyone’s program, just thinking out loud.

There is a very valid point about not being afraid to fail or succeed. When there’s nowhere else to go- look up. As people, one has the capability of lifting oneself up. The opposite stands true as well. Sometimes we’re our own worst enemy.

It’s better to suffer the slings and arrows of grievous misfortune than to be afraid of trying in the first place. Truly it is one of the easiest damn things ever to say. I get it. I’ve been at this for a while now with self help, LoA, and the whole spiritual awakening show. Saying is easy. Doing, on the other hand…

There’s always a choice.

This is way tougher than I thought it was going to be and I’ll definitely be continuing this conversation in future articles.

We choose our actions in any given moment. Every sentence, heck- every word is a choice. We get to set our intentions with every choice big or small. Whether it’s make a cup of coffee or move to Alaska, everything boils down to a choice. Then the real, heavy, stubborn world kicks in and reminds us that all of our actions have consequences and our decisions have far reaching ramifications sometimes. (Which is why no chainsaw juggling or moving to Alaska for me.)

Here’s where I’m struggling:

I’d like to choose that victim role every day but… My choices roundabout got me here. I can choose better. I can choose smarter. I know this now. Maybe I’ve always known and I’m just now remembering, but that’s another story.

I choose to sit on the couch wallowing in misery and self pity. I’m choosing to be effectively crippled by self doubt and anxiety. I’ve chosen to let depression basically kick my ass all over the place.

Fear and anxiety (which is like, more fear) have basically been holding me back for a few months now. Today I’m choosing to start taking those very small steps toward recovery. My physical condition might still slow me down for now, but I’m going to get my mental, emotional and spiritual health in order.

Tiny steps. “Lean into the suck.”

The same wonderful friend that leveled with me about swirling the drain once said to “Lean into the suck.” I have always loved that phrase because it describes walking home in January Iowa weather perfectly. I literally used to walk or bike everywhere all year round.

It’s true of life, too. Sometimes things get bumpy. Those consequences and ramifications come back around like an exploding boomerang. The solution is to just keep on plowing through it all. It’s tough going, but no one is expecting everything to be done overnight.

I’m taking some pretty small steps. I’m choosing to improve my situation as opposed to choosing to binge on another Netflix series. Today I finish one more project on my to-do list than I did yesterday. One small step forward every day. One small victory building toward the next and so on.

I may not get it all figured out by the 19th of April, but I’m choosing to keep going. I’m determined to move toward abundance and away from lack. I’m determined not to become a permanent resident of my couch. I’m resolute that anxiety and depression do not own me. I intend to take more chances and try new things.

Thanks for being here on this journey with me. More to come on this topic. Take care. Have a lovely weekend.